Tag Archives: love

You’re so cute puppies look at you on the internet!

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Dear Love,

I really like you. I know you say you are too young to like boys but when it comes to love, it overcomes everything. I know you think I am annoying and a fool, but I am a fool for you. Since I fall a lot, do you have a Band-Aid? If you don’t it’s alright, I just scrape my knee falling for you. When I see you, it’s like an earthquake or did you rock my world? When you sneeze I would say God bless you, but it looks like he did already. You are so hot even the leaves fall for you. You’re so cute puppies look at you on the internet. You are really nice. When I am sad, you make me happy. I don’t know what I would do without you. You are probably going to say no, but will you go couple skating with me? We don’t have to hold hands. Well now you know how I feel.

This is a real love letter from a 10 year old boy to the daughter of a friend of mine. First of all this kid is either going to be a killer with the ladies or he is going to be one devoted man to one special lady. I would love to say the game is strong but I truly believe that he sincerely meant every single word in this letter. He needs to start writing poems, songs, or greeting cards because his hyperbole game is off the charts. When I first read this letter I thought it was the best love letter ever written. The kid said “When you sneeze I would say God bless you, but it looks like he did already.” It doesn’t get much better than that. I shared this letter with everyone I knew. It was just so hilarious and heartfelt! Only recently did it hit me that I don’t know too many men that would ever put themselves out there like this. Personally never would I ever do anything like this. My thinking was I’m way too cool and tough for some shit like this. But to be honest, the one who expresses his true feelings is actually the brave one.

We have all been there! You met a woman who opened your eyes to a whole new world. Everything about her grabbed your attention. From her walk, to her laugh, to how her eyes opened just a little wider when she was truly interested in your take on a particular subject. For once you paid attention to everything about a woman. You’re fuckin hooked! The woman could damn near get y’all in a car accident, but you’re just thinking how cute it is that her ass can’t drive for shit (and that you’ll be doing majority of the driving here on out). You want to share all these feelings with her. You want to give her all these details because you want to see her face light up with excitement and possibility, BUT YOU’RE FUCKING SCARED!

What if she doesn’t respond the way you hope she does? What if you find out this woman who is making this great impression on you just sees you as another guy? Yo that will fuckin suck monkey balls! It is going to break you down. You’re gonna be sick! This whole time you could have just played it safe and acted like you didn’t give a fuck. You probably still would have at least got some pussy out of it. Hey, that’s what your cool ass has been doing all these years. Why would you change up now?? You change up now because you want a different feeling. You want a different type of satisfaction. You want to be super excited to be doing absolutely nothing with this woman. Her presence is it. The thought of seeing her later that evening is allowing you to walk through the battlefield at work unscathed. Yo take the chance. Show some bravery. It won’t be the end of the world if it doesn’t turn out the way you want. It’s gon hurt like a muthafucka but you’ll be straight. Think about the possibilities if it turns out exactly how you want. Now wouldn’t that be fucking amazing!

 

F*** Valentine’s Day…just kidding!

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I seriously did NOT want to make a post about Valentine’s Day but since the blog is called Joe Dates I feel like I had to. So here it is, F*** Valentine’s Day! I’m kidding. I’m not bitter at all that I don’t have valentine because that shit can kill your pockets. For those of you that do have one, this day should not be super special. I’m saying this because there should have been multiple days throughout the past year that you showed your significant other your appreciation and love for them. Now it’s a little different if you just recently started dating someone. This is when you gotta step your game up and show them all the awesomtacularness (awesome and spectacular combined to create a super word) that comes with being with an expert level human being like yourself.

Now if you have been a relationship for a significant amount of time let’s examine your situation. Do you suck? I mean seriously, are you just a wack piece of crap that does nothing special for your mate. Notice I’m not being gender specific because this is a two way street. We like to feel special too ladies so get off your ass and stop thinking this day is all about you. I better at least get some new house slippers (the corduroy slippers from the swapmeet). Now back to examining your wackness. When was the last time you two went on a date? You have to continuously do these things. Without the dating, consistent appreciative gestures, and plain old affection, your relationship will wither and die. You don’t want to have to remind them why they got with you in the first place. This should be evident from your everyday dealings. Now I am NOT hitting you with the “everyday is Valentine’s Day” bullshit. That is just not realistic. What I am saying is that you do need to make sure your mate feels special on a consistent basis. If you know she likes flowers then my dude make it a point to bring home her favorite flowers once in a while. Miss lady, if you are passing by SK Donuts on 3rd street and I’m not on a diet, then grab me that cronut and blueberry donut that you know I love. Do you know what I would do to you if you did this? First, I would shed one tear. Next, I would turn you into a donut and go to town on that ass! Gestures like that mean so much, simple things go a long way. The fact that you have showed your mate they are constantly on your mind will make Valentine’s Day just another day. Another day to show EACH OTHER that you give a damn. All that being said…If you have a problem with any of this then you should probably not be in that relationship….or with anyone for that matter because you’re wack. They aren’t special enough to you.

Time to get to the newbies. When it’s this early it’s definitely mostly on the guy. We have to do all the planning and spending. Only thing expected out of the ladies is a card, sexy lingerie that we probably won’t notice because we just want you naked, and some “I appreciate you” head. Fellas my advice here is to pay attention to the woman. Take note of what she likes. Don’t take her to an expensive seafood restaurant thinking you’re doing big shit and then find out she is allergic to shellfish. PAY ATTENTION! This will go a long way. If she told you her favorite flower is a tiger lily and she can’t stand roses then don’t be a dumbass and buy 2 dozen roses because it looked like the thing to do on Valentine’s Day. It’s really not difficult but if you are having trouble in this department, then ask her the questions NOW. Next thing is be creative. I will admit that I am not a naturally creative person. What I do is use what someone else has done prior and then put my Joe Dates twist on it. I twist that bitch up to the point that you won’t notice the original plan. Bro, google is your friend, use it. You really don’t have to spend a ton of money if you get creative. I was going to make this post all about Valentine’s Day tips but I refuse. I will let you get your google on and see what you can come up with. If that still doesn’t help then leave a comment or email me at therealjoedates@gmail.com and I will give you some really good tips. You’re welcome.

This post is less about Valentine’s Day and more about making someone you care about feel special and appreciated. With google and other options at your disposal there is no reason at all to have a boring and generic Valentine’s Day or dating life in general. Step your shit up and get excited about trying to impress your mate. Lastly, make sure you tear that ass up at the end of the night. No Valentine’s Day is complete without some good cake pounding.

I’m going to get you started and leave you a few links. I will give this one tip, you prepare the V day dinner or hire a chef for the night (this could be your cousin or aunt that cooks hella good that ain’t got shit to do on Valentine’s Day).

http://www.esquire.com/lifestyle/sex/g439/fun-cheap-date-ideas/

http://www.askmen.com/valentines_day/moves_to_arouse/11-sensual-valentine-s-day-ideas.html

http://www.timeout.com/los-angeles/valentines-day

http://ideas.thenest.com/holidays/valentines-day/slideshows/valentines-day-date-night-ideas.aspx

I’ve Never Been in Love

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Last week I confessed that I had never been in love. I have been getting hit up all week about this. People just cannot believe that throughout my 33 years I have never once fallen in love. I have been accused of having a cold heart or just not being open to love. That ain’t it people. I have loved some of the women I have been in relationships with but I was not in love with any of them. I am open to love but I will never force it. It’s not like any of us can force ourselves to be in love anyway. You either are or you aren’t. I’m a real one and I admit that I am clueless on what being “in love” means. Because of this, I have decided to explore the topic. I have asked men and women to give me their definition of what being in love means. The ages vary as well as their relationship statuses. Hopefully after reading these different takes on the topic, we will all have a better understanding of what being “in love” really means.

 

Mandy, 35 year old female who is currently in an 8 month relationship.

What does it mean to be in love?

 

Love isn’t only the magical, planned moments of lust, long looks, great sex, and smiles…love is truly defined between two people during the cold, dirty, uncomfortable moments that don’t feel all lovey dovey but require more of love to make it through back to the happiness. It requires determination to resist the flight feeling building in your chest when shit gets rough.

 

Are you in love?

 

I’m in love.

 

How did you know you were in love? Was there a moment that stands out?

 

Yep two moments that were connected…it was when his father died. It was only a month into our relationship and I don’t do death well but all I wanted to do was be there for him in any way I could. I helped wherever I could and even interacted with all of his family when I hadn’t met any of them under regular circumstances…and it all felt easy and right. The day after the funeral I was leaving for Houston for a book thing and it was officially our one month anniversary and he still found time to get me something in the midst of all that chaos and have it shipped to where I was staying. I felt like we had each other’s backs. I can honestly say though that it takes working on my relationship daily to stay IN love. You can love someone but fall in and out of love based on situations and character flaws (unless they are nuts like Pizza Dough*). To be able to look past the nonsense and bullshit and still see the man I fell for and all the amazing parts of him feels great.

*Pizza Dough is the name that I gave this woman’s ex boyfriend because the extra skin around his chin and neck looked like pizza dough.

Miguel, 33 year old male who has been in a relationship for a little over 2 years.

 

What is your definition of being in love?

 

Love is no hesitation, just doing shit. Love is support. Love is just because. Love is backbone. Love is sacrifice. Love is wanting to grow. Love is respect.

 

Are you in love?

 

Yea, my girl is a rider, that’s my dog. Don’t get me wrong, I love hoes, but I really love my girl.

 

How did you know you were in love?

 

Trial and Error. I truly believe you have to go thru some real shit with a chick to establish what love is.

 

Is there a situation that stands out that let you know you were in love with this woman?

 

For me it’s small things- for instance when my truck went down. Without hesitation she was like you could use my spare car instead of waste money on a rental. We were 6 weeks into kicking it. I realized this could be real, she was down for the cause. See I have my own shit. So when you invest effort and time, that’s huge.

 

Angela, 32 year old female who is currently engaged.

 

What does it mean to be in love?

 

Love for me is when you are going through life experiences good and bad and the person you feel you NEED to share these experiences with and talk to is your significant other.

 

How did you know you were in love?

 

Hmmmm well the above. But probably mostly when i started to consider him and his feelings even when he was not around.

 

Was there a certain situation or moment where you realized you were in love with your fiance?

 

Yeah there was a weekend…it was Memorial Day weekend and it was the first time we spent everyday together and had some conversations of him asking me to let my walls down and reassuring me that he wasn’t going anywhere blah blah blah and after that I realized I was in love with him.


Dame, 37 year old man who is currently engaged to Angela.

 

What does it mean to be in love?

 

Well my perspective on love is that the Right Person will make you want to be a better version of yourself. Real love is wrapped up in a whole lot of compromise and understanding..

 

Was there a moment that made you realize you were in love?

 

Particular moment would probably be the first weekend we spent together…I knew because at that point I didn’t want ANYBODY else and I didn’t want her with anybody else and her company was enough.

 

Erin, 33 year old female who has been married for 6 years.

 

What does being in love mean?

 

Being in love means being your best self, authentically happy and laughing to sleep every night. It doesn’t matter what it is, just laugh at something together everyday.

 

When did you know you were in love?

 

I knew right away. It was very easy. There were no “is this love” questions at all. I knew what it was and that it was different than anything I’d ever felt before. I guess that’s why I’m still here 10 years later.

 

D, 36 year old husband of Erin.

 

What does being in love mean?

 

Uninhibited selfless behavior.

 

When did you know you were in love?

 

Strong feelings from the start … I didn’t realize I was until I started talking about her to a friend.. like an epiphany.

 

Wilma, 28 year old female that has been married for 6.5 years.

 

What does it mean to be in love?

 

If you wanted something on a surface level I will give you my thoughts based on my relationship… I love Rich, I love him for just existing in my world, I love him for the experiences he has given me and I love him for unapologetically being who he is – from the person he was when I met him to the person he is today has changed over time (we all have evolved), yet regardless of what stage he is in as an individual, my love is still present. I honestly don’t know how to describe my love for him with specifics because it is just present – it exists regardless of an action or result – because I’m at a level where results, domination or jealousy are fading completely… I won’t say that it is completely removed because I haven’t reached that level of understanding yet… But a good chunk of those “love” issues most couples go through are not present within me… And I can’t speak for him sooooooo you have to get his take lol

 

When did you realize you were in love?

 

I knew I was in love when I realized that there was no pressure from him towards me. We were friends at first… With no obligations to do or say anything on the others behalf… So I knew once I realized that he had no agenda other than to be in my presence – that’s when it became apparent that we were on the same page…  Because I had no agenda for him as well… We were and still are just present and enjoy that presence together.

Been married for 6.5 years… But honestly I don’t define my relationship by a ring… We got married for the message it sends our kids as being committed and other benefits as far as having a partnership in business terms that it brings … Do you get it

I think we would still be together if we weren’t married because this ring or certificate isn’t what makes love work… It’s what you think about love…

 

Rich, 28 year old husband of Wilma.

 

What does it mean to be in love?

 

My interpretation of love is when you are completely consumed by the urge to endure every moment with them. There dawg…short and to the point. That shit should be on a card or something…

 

When did you know you were in love?

 

When that urge became stronger than my desire to be alone or with multiple partners.

 

Andrew, 33 year old man who has been married for a little over 7 years.

 

What does being in love mean to you?

 

Is this a real question or is this your attempt to finally say you’re full blown gay.

 

It’s for my blog dude! That was really funny though.

 

Being in love to me means that you as an individual are so into another person’s interest and investments in their lives that at times you forget about your own selfish desires and even goals. Your life becomes about making them happy, which in return makes you happy. I guess examples in my life of this are, my wife could care less about sports but for the 7 plus years of marriage she attempts to please me, by not just trying to watch sports or know who Kobe Bryant is. But she records games for me, she makes sure she gets the sports package when we get cable, she will buy random team shirts, she makes sure there is beer in the fridge when a big play off or championship game is on. Every first weekend of college football she plans an event with the kids so I can watch the games, not because I tell her but because she wants me happy. She has no interest in sports but she does have an interest in me. That sports thing is small. There are bigger things. She gave up a career but that’s a long story. The same goes for me, my wife is into coupons and cute shit to make decorative shit. I have no interest in any of that but yet somehow anytime I am in a grocery store or I see a deal on the tv, I inform her. I also follow coupon people on my instagram and I subscribe to them through email, I have no interest yet I know this is something she likes so I pay it forward and do it to make her happy. Like I said these are small examples and they are meant to be funny but if you think about it the sacrifice of deciding to have a kid(s) or not have kids, or to put off an opportunity to travel because it may hinder another person. I think that is love. Hope this answered your question I wrote this while dealing with a class of Internet thugs.

 

Jevin, 33 year old male who has been married for 10 years.

 

What is your definition of being in love?

 

The ultimate definition of Love is sacrifice. I’m not saying giving up everything, but sometimes it’s letting the other party win, it’s being patient when you don’t want to be, it’s apologizing at times when you know you’re right, it’s listening to your partners needs, etc. If both parties are trying to make each other happy the relationship will be a success and that will exude true love. Of course it will be difficult to do this ALL the time, but it’s a sacrifice. Is the other party worth that sacrifice? I had a whole lot to say, but I condensed it.

 

How did you know you were in love with your wife? Was there a moment that stands out?

 

I had dated a lot of women and a lot of them played games. After those experiences I knew what to look for, what not to look for and to pay attention to the red flags. When I first met my wife I wasn’t even looking for a wife or even a girlfriend. I had about 5 girls in rotation I was dating. So when I met my wife she was sooooo cool we had a lot of the same interest and her personality was amazing. The funny thing is I was never going to ask her out because I felt she was out of my league. So I invited her to a gig I was DJing and she showed up. So after the gig I took her out to eat while we were out eating our conversation was incredible it wasn’t any awkward silences. It was like we knew each other. A lot of times people judge people without even knowing them and because of how beautiful she was I didn’t expect her to be as down to earth as she was. So we started dating. I knew she was the one I wanted to be with after we had our first argument. I know it’s weird, but I believe arguments are the ultimate test in a relationship. To think you’re never going to have an argument or disagreement is unrealistic. As long as you’re you and they’re them at some point there will be something you disagree on. If you’re with someone for a long period of time and you both agree on everything someone’s lying. After the 1st argument when we both got over it, I looked at her and said that wasn’t bad and I knew she was the one.

Oh and I felt like I was in love with her during the 1st date but I held back because I thought it was too soon and I didn’t wanna be a sucka! So 11 years later I know, it was love.

 

Gayle, 47 year old female who is currently separated after 26 years of marriage.

 

What is your definition of being in love?

 

Why did you just bring tears to my eyes… to cherish and honor. When you cherish the one you love you understand the value of their life and respect their existence. Don’t take love for granted. Cherish it and it will last.

 

How did you know you were in love?

 

Good question…I truly felt that my husband loved me by the way he made me feel. He was very attentive and caring. I felt safe. He earned my trust and I wanted to be the woman that was by his side as he grew as a man, in life and ministry. I believed in him.

 

Was there a situation or moment that made you say or think “I’m really in love with this man”?

 

I think the one moment I remember before we got married, is when we broke up. I felt very incomplete, a feeling I had never experienced before.

 

My momma, 65 years old and separated after 33 years of marriage.

 

What is your definition of being in romantic love?

 

Goal:  Getting up every day thinking of a way to make each other feel special.

 

How did you know you were in love? Was there a moment?

 

Thinking of the person constantly and wanting to be wherever they are. Being around them makes you happy. Romantic love is superficial and unrealistic but feels good.

 

What’s the difference between romantic love and being “in love?”

 

You are in the first stage.  A love that hasn’t been tested.  Romance in a mature relationship is sporadic and necessary i.e. romance is part of the love relationship.

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I really want to thank all these folks for their time and contributions to the topic. I definitely learned a lot from all of these different perspectives. What stands out the most is sacrifice and unselfishness. When you find someone you are willing and even happy to sacrifice for, that might be the one. I guess I won’t really know until I actually experience it. Being in love sounds incredible but really really heavy. It actually has me a tad bit scared. Might need to avoid this like the plague!

PS. Don’t get used to this lovey dovey stuff from me. I’m hittin you with some gangster shit next week.

Let Them Go!

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First I want to apologize for the long hiatus. By the look of things my wisdom has been needed. I see so many of y’all making stupid ass dating mistakes. You could have just gone to my archives to get a lesson or two. Get it together people! Well I’m back and I promise to be more consistent. You’re welcome.

I am not gonna lie to you folks, I don’t think I have ever been in love. I have loved in a caring type of way but never the romantic love. And I am still not even sure what that is. Most of you don’t know what it is either (infatuated fuckers). Anyway, a few of my ex girlfriends (actually 2) have meant a lot to me. This means I actually give a fuck about their lives. Like if they are stuck somewhere in my convenient radius then I will come scoop em up with no problem. I’ll even accept their collect calls if they get locked up (hopefully someone smuggles them a cell phone so we can text because I hate talking on the phone). But most importantly I would never play with their emotions. So having sex with them is not an option for me. While I can just view the sex as only an orgasm, they may look deeper into it and see potentially rekindling a relationship. Even if she says she only wants sex, DO NOT DO IT! Unless you think the sex is worth losing someone you care about or them hating your guts, PLEASE let them go.

Maturity comes with experience. I sound like I have it all figured out now but years ago it was all about the poon. I didn’t give a damn about anyone’s feelings, I wanted them cakes! I have definitely told a woman I loved her to get some ass. I am NOT proud of this at all. That one I actually truly regret. The woman forgave me people so please stop your judging IMMEDIATELY. Another regret was using an ex that meant so much to me for sex. We had been broken up for a couple months and I had no intention of giving up my newly acquired freedom anytime soon. BUT I still wanted that ass. I knew she still loved me and I used that. I took advantage of her. One day she finally realized my only objective was my own selfish satisfaction and I became dirt to her. She could not understand how a man that once meant everything to her could completely disregard her feelings and emotions for a fucking nut. She was hurt, disappointed, and hated me. I felt like shit. It took a few years but we eventually became good friends again. I’ve made sure I never did that to another woman that I truly cared about.

It is not easy. We are men and we are driven by the vag. I had a buddy that was dating this young lady for a while. She wanted a relationship while he was fine with just sex and occasionally hanging out. The problem was they were friends and he really did care about her. My boy just wasn’t ready for commitment at the time. He was not willing to give her what she wanted so he needed to shut it down and stop wasting her time. He had a hard time doing this. He was comfortable with her, the sex was great, and like I said, he really did like her. Now he did tell her he wasn’t ready for a committed relationship, BUT he knew she had a weakness for him. She was in a stage of hope. While in that stage he could throw a rock at her and she’ll get excited. She is looking for any sign to hold on to that hope. I told him if he cared about her he must let her go, completely. He eventually let her go but there was a lot of damage done.

So basically don’t be a selfish asshole to people that you love. Go masturbate or get you a fuck buddy (check out ‘fuck buddy rules’ in the archives). That orgasm is not worth hurting someone you care about, believe me. If she is constantly throwing it at you, this is not the time to get your Jerry Rice on. Fellas, think Neo in the Matrix and dodge all that. Loyal and dependable individuals are hard to come by, so cherish them. On another note, I’m back in this thang heaux! So leave comments and share. If you have topics you want me to touch on leave those in the comments as well.

You Are Now Appreciated

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At one time I completely sucked in relationships.  I wasn’t a cheater or anything like that but I was just a lazy fucker.  I was the guy that did whatever he had to do to get the girl.  The dates to get the girl were GREAT.  Flowers, picnics, and basically just all kinda effort was put into the young lady.  Once I got her I became the equivalent of Doug from ‘King of Queens’ (one of the greatest shows EVER).  Seriously, all I wanted to do is eat, fuck, and watch tv (ok, that sounds pretty great…the LIFE). 

I was probably at my worst in my first real relationship.  This is mainly because the girl was just so freaking dope.  She was always thinking about me. Whether she was at a restaurant or Target, she was probably gonna bring me back something.  The girl would make me a Target care package full of of toiletries! I mean she would buy me shit that I would have NEVER bought for myself (never am i buying name brand deodorant or lotion).  I got two jobs because of my relationship with her, and here I was bringing nothing but hunger and horniness to the table.  I did not appreciate her at all.

I learned a lot from that relationship.  Most of all I learned to show appreciation for my mate.  If this is someone you don’t really give a shit about then please don’t be a dumbass and give them a title. Just fuck them and leave them alone.  If this is someone worthy of being in a relationship with then SHOW APPRECIATION. Please do not take this person for granted.  It really does not take much to show you care.  I promise if you don’t do it there is someone willing or at least saying they are willing to do it.  You do NOT want your mate to finally open their eyes and see that you aren’t worth a damn.  Just step it up and reciprocate some of that love. 

Now don’t get me wrong I am still a pretty selfish dude but I am forever improving.  It is really all about your effort and once in awhile putting that person’s wants/needs ahead of yours (except during football season).  Simple shit like picking up her favorite dessert can go a long way.  It shows that she is on your mind even when you aren’t together.  It may sound silly to some but so many of you assholes are coming home with food just for your damn self.  Dudes like that don’t even deserve a hand job from their girl!

Another thing I want to touch on is don’t start what you can’t keep up.  Like I said earlier, I was going above and beyond to get the girl and once I got her everything stopped.  That is false advertising.  I can actually make a whole blog about False Advertising and you know what, that’s what I’m gonna do. 

You’re Welcome!

 

Sexy Time Playlist

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As a music lover I have different playlists for different moods.  My playlists get pretty detailed.  I actually have a playlist for lifting weights and a totally different playlist for cardio.  Music effects my mood and production that much.  I can’t lift weights to jazz or r&b! I need that hardcore gangsta shit so I can effectively get my buff on.  The right songs can put you in that perfect mind-set for any situation.  This is why it is so very important to have the right playlist when you are on a date.

Your playlist will say a lot about your maturity or lack thereof.  If your dumb ass is riding around with your date playing Tyga and French Montana, please get the hell off my blog because you don’t deserve to even smell vagina.  I actually think it’s important to have two different playlists for the date.  The first playlist should be a type of cool mix.  A bunch of chill songs that aren’t too sexual and you could even get a cool little two step to.  This just sets the mood for an easygoing and relaxing night.  Feeling comfortable and at ease is a good thing and the right songs can most definitely trigger those responses.  You might also want to throw in a couple songs that aren’t very popular.  She’ll most likely have no idea who the artist is and now she is starting to think your plotting ass is cultured.  NICE!

The other playlist you need is what I like to call the SEXY TIME playlist. Yes, I am the first person to name a playlist SEXY TIME.  I am the originator! Remember that folks.  Ok, now If the date was good but you are pretty sure it is not going to lead to some insertion that night then keep playing the cool mix.  Do not and I repeat DO NOT throw on SEXY TIME if you really don’t think it’s going to go down.  This can prevent you from ever having a chance to go to the next level with that woman.  If you throw it on when she’s not ready she is going to think you want to hit, and that will ruin the nice evening you just had.  NOW if you are seeing signs that you might have a shot to show her your package later, go ahead and turn on the SEXY TIME.  Your playlist MUST let her know  there is no doubt that you plan on TAKING HER DOWN!  If you are as detailed as I, your playlist will flow from beginning to end.

Here are a few songs that are must-haves for your playlist:

Floetry- Say Yes (This is perfect for getting the party started)

Raheem Devaughn- Customer

Jodeci- Freek’n You

D’Angelo- (Untitled) How Does It Feel

Janet Jackson- Would You Mind (YEAH BUDDY! This one right here!! WHOOOO! You’re welcome)

Isley Brothers- Between The Sheets (This one will forever have a place on my list) 

Joe- All The Things

Maxwell- Till The Cops Come Knocking/This Womans Work (Love and Basketball scene, you gotta do it)

R Kelly- Your Body’s Callin

Silk- Meeting In My Bedroom

Raphael Saadiq & Teedra Moses- Take me (This one is my gift to ya’ll)

That’s it! My playlist is LONG but this is  all I’m sharing!  YOU ARE WELCOME!

What songs are on your playlist? List them in the comments section.

 

 

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Do it anywhere!

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Your relationship is stale. You are having sex once every couple of weeks.  When you do have sex it’s like a chore.  Routines fucking SUCK so get out of them. You guys need to try something new. You need a really good kickstart.  I don’t mean some regular punk ass date night. No wack ass dinner and a movie.  Plan a date of public fucking! No picnic unless you’re gonna do it right there in the park. No long walk on the beach unless you’re gonna end up with sand particles on your genitals (sex on the beach is dope but sand in your ass crack sucks). 

This is the spark you need. It is time to get adventurous and spontaneous. It will start as a plan but next thing you know you will be pouncing everywhere.  I have done this before and it is definitely in my top 5 dates.  This is the plan, you guys have to agree on about 5 places to try to get it on.  Of course you don’t want to get caught but the fact that you might makes it even better.  If you’re a little nervous about trying this then start with places you are less likely to get caught.  Even though you probably won’t get caught, you still know someone could possibly be watching or at least be taking notice that you were being naughty.  Some safer places are the beach really late at night or those lookouts that you’ve seen on all the high school movies where kids are trying to get their freak on.

For those who want to step it up lets do this!  This means you can’t give a fuck.  Pick a place and do it. We are breaking laws here folks and we just don’t give a damn.  Elevator- SMASHIN. Stairwell- SMASHIN. Drive thru- SMASHIN.  Ok so we decided to get a bite to eat.  OOPS your napkin fell under table.  Babygirl I think you need to pick that up…HEADY TIME!  Be open, be free, and have some fun.  Your partner is going to look extremely sexy to you after this date night, I promise. 

Here is a list of some other public options that you might wanna try out:

Baseball Diamond: I’m trying to dig her out in the dugout!

Movies: Of course! This where you were trying to get it on when you were still living with your parents. Be a kid again!

Random Restrooms: I’m talking hotels, restaurants, etc. Yeah the thought is a bit unsanitary but it’s still a good time.

College Library: Definitely not gonna work during finals week.

Tennis Court: Bend her ass over the net!

Department Store Dressing Rooms: Babe, how do these pants look on me?? WHAM! In there.  One of the easiest spots.

College Classroom: There is always an empty college classroom with an open door. You can earn that grade in there!

Cemetary: Creepy as fuck but I’m down.

Rooftops: Pick one! I know a couple I need to try out. Think about that view while you are pounding cakes.

Drive In: I really hope you’ve done this before but if you haven’t you’re welcome.

Forest: I live in LA so there aren’t too many of these but if you live near one go ahead and knock that out.

Parking Garage: If it’s the top floor then bend her over the hood.

Parks: On the swing, slide, monkey bars, etc. Make sure you don’t bring your kids to that same park!

Lifeguard Tower: They’ve been locking them lately, sad face.

Airplane: MILE HIGH CLUB BABY!!!!

Bleachers: Bring some cushions!

If you have more spots, leave them in my comments.   

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Can’t Turn a Hoe Into a Husband??? FALSE!

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I’m sure many of you have seen the ecards and memes with the phrase “Can’t turn a hoe into a husband either.” This is complete bullshit so if you have ever posted, liked, or agreed with this crap I question your intelligence.  First of all, women please stop trying to compare yourselves to men when it comes to sexual relations. We were groomed for this type of transition and you were not.  There are gender double standards and they are not going anywhere. This is why this phrase is ridiculous and false.

Guys step out the womb ready to rock out with our cocks out! From a young age we are encouraged to be on the hunt for women. The older males in our lives have always pushed us to play the field and try to poke any and everything moving. Even our own mothers and grandmothers don’t want us getting caught up in relationships too early. As a kid my male cousins and I would get asked by our aunts “how many girlfriends y’all got?”  They knew it was in our nature to chase.  It has always been ok for us to have multiple women in our younger years.  It is not until we hit maybe our late 20s that the “when are you going to settle down?” question pops up.  Now think about that for a second. This is a question that men are always asked, but have you ever heard of a woman being asked that question?  It just does not happen.  It is assumed and expected that we are going to be running around in the streets chasing tail.  Give us the threesomes, foursomes, and fivesomes. We want as many women as we can handle, but it is also assumed and expected that we will eventually grow tired of that lifestyle and decide to find that special lady. 

On the other hand, women are taught to only let the special ones take it down.  While guys were trying to lose their virginity to just about any chick that would let us, girls were trying to hold on to their virginity until they came across that “special” guy (I bet none of ya’ll think he was that special now).  We are over here trying to hit Wilt Chamberlain numbers while women are trying their best not to hit double digits too soon.  The women that do not really follow these standards are deemed unworthy of marriage by many other women and men as well (that means she’s a hoe for all those wondering). It is completely frowned upon for a woman to be tossing her vagina around like Tom Brady (runs a spread offense and passes to multiple receivers, just in case you didn’t get that).  These women are considered the “hoes” that should not be made into housewives.  Those standards don’t apply to men so that phrase will never fit us. It’s a losing battle ladies so give it up. 

Quite a few of my male friends have settled down and gotten married over the last few years.  I look up to these fellas because they are really great husbands.  They are faithful, selfless, and responsible men that have set great examples for guys like me who have not decided to throw in the towel just yet.  Now I’m saying all that to say this, MOST (not all!) were smashing or at least trying to smash every pretty face or big ass when they were single. Some of these guys were really doing their thing, but in time they shut it down.  We were built for this and y’all aren’t. So please stop it with that dumb ass phrase because you’re probably going to marry a hoe and that hoe is going to treat you like a queen.  You’re welcome!

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F*** Buddy Rules

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In my last post I shared one of my fuck buddy experiences and I kept bringing up rules. Some of you may be wondering what those rules are or why there are rules in the first place.  Having a fuck buddy can get complicated without rules.  These rules keep the participating parties in check.  You do not want to confuse a fuck buddy with any other type of romantic relationship. This will lead to someone being hurt.  To further understand, here are the rules:

NO AFFECTIONATE TOUCHING

– I don’t even kiss my fuck buddies but that may be extreme to some. For all, there is no cuddling and hugging, no holding hands, and no resting heads on shoulders. If you need all that then go get a boyfriend or girlfriend. Affectionate crap like this will lead to emotions. 

NO EMOTIONS/NEVER GET ATTACHED

– This probably should have been number one, but there should be absolutely no emotions involved.  This agreement is purely physical satisfaction. You are here for an orgasm folks, that’s it.  Do NOT care about them.  If you have feelings for the person don’t even try to become fuck buddies.  If you are growing feelings then this agreement has been voided.  This is going to be a problem for many of you ladies and some of you guys.  Proceed with caution if you are known for catching feelings.  Actually, just don’t do it at all.

IT’S AT EACH OTHER’S CONVENIENCE 

– You cannot get mad if the other person isn’t free or if they have to cancel plans.  This is NOT a relationship and you two are not dating. Setting aside time for you is not a requirement and there is no need to ever give an explanation. Leave all that complaining for whoever is unlucky enough to date you.  

MINIMUM CONVERSATIONS

– What is there to talk about??? Nothing but what new position you might want to try. They are not your counselor so don’t talk about life with them, and please don’t bring up who else you are dating.  NO ONE CARES. GET NAKED. Seriously, the less you talk, the less likely you are to catch feelings. One more thing about convos, NEVER EVER say I miss you. That phrase equates to you no longer wanting to just be fuck buddies.

NO MEETING FRIENDS/FAMILY

– If you see me out and about please act like you don’t know me. If I’m with my friends or fam there will be no introductions. Just keep it pushing and text me around midnight. There is no reason at all for you to meet them and there is definitely no reason for them to know who you are.  

NO SPENDING THE NIGHT

– Get your ass up and go home! I don’t care how tired you are. When you are finished doing the do, you must leave. There is no waking up to breakfast and watching morning cartoons together. No sir/ma’am, put on your clothes and kick rocks.

NO DATES 

– We don’t need to be seen out in public together. This situation is for sex, so go catch a movie or get a drink with someone else.  Now when you get a little tipsy send me that text and see if I’m free for a session. 

NO POP UP VISITS

– There is absolutely no reason to ever pop up at the other person’s house. You are never just in the neighborhood and if you really happen to be in that neighborhood then LEAVE.  If you come close to doing this then this is a situation you are surely not cut out for.

USE PROTECTION

– Stay strapped folks. Protection is a must. You don’t know what they having going on. You two don’t talk much. All you do is have sex occasionally.  With that in mind, ALWAYS use protection.  And who wants to impregnate a fuck buddy?! That would be tragic. 

BE A FREAK

– Being a freak is relative. So all this means is be freaky enough to satisfy your fuck buddy or what’s the point of having one. Try things out on each other. Think of this as really great practice getting you ready for your future mate.  You are going to be THE SHIT when you finally get one. 

NO LYING

– Keep it honest at all times.  There is no reason to ever lie.  Remember there aren’t any emotions or feelings involved so there is no reason to spare the other party’s feelings.  Lying is completely unnecessary.  

LIMIT SOCIAL MEDIA CONTACT

– Please don’t like every single picture or comment on every post on the various social media sites.  Some outside party is going to start assuming something and you want to keep your business between just the two of you.  To avoid any questioning it might be smart to completely stay away from each other on those sites.  So that means no following and no friend requests.  

NO LEAVING CRAP BEHIND

– Grab all your clothes and trinkets.  No one needs to know you were once at my residence.  If you are doing this on purpose then please jump in a real relationship and go ruin that person’s life you loser.  

NO PET NAMES 

– I’m not your baby, boo, or sweetheart. This is a NO NO. If these names are uttered I’m going to need you to grab your shit and run! This agreement has officially taken a wrong turn so get out as fast as you can.

NO GIFTS 

– There is never an occasion where you two are going to be celebrating something together so there should never be any gifts given or received.  Oh, Valentines Day is coming up? So what! This is not who you should be celebrating that day with. If this person even pops up in your head during Valentines Day or any holiday where gifts are exchanged then you need to move on.  

KNOW WHO YOU ARE

– This is the most important rule.  You must know if this is something that you can handle.  This is not for everybody.  Some people cannot detach their emotions from a sexual relationship.  If this is you then don’t even chance it.  If you are not being honest with yourself then you for damn sure aren’t going to be honest with your future fuck buddy or should I call them future running for their life ex fuck buddy. That is going to be a complete FAIL.  

Take heed to these rules and there is no harm in referring back to them later if you have forgotten a couple. Always remember to proceed with caution. Good luck folks.

Marcus Graham

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Boomerang is one of my all time favorite movies.  The lead character Marcus Graham has played a pivotal part in my life. People this is no joke. The man helped me understand women.  He states, “The only reason stuff like that happens to me is because I pay attention to women. Y’all don’t pay attention.”  That is it fellas, just pay attention.  If you really want that woman and this is someone you are considering taking serious then pay really close attention. Find out what she likes. Ask the right questions and she will tell you. If she doesn’t tell you with words then she will tell you with body language. Yo, if she tells you what her birthday is, fuckin write the shit down in the notes on your phone.  Cool, you brought her flowers. Did you take time to find out what kind of flowers she likes or if she likes flowers at all? Those little things will go a long way.

Now if you don’t “really want her” and you just want to beat the cakes then you still must pay attention.  It is the same process without doing the extras.  You do not have to do as much as the guy who wants this woman for the long haul. That guy was using his powers for good, but you my friend are using these powers for evil *evil laugh*.  Let’s change evil to good times. There is nothing evil about getting that pie. This is easy my guy. Just make sure you are talking about subjects that interest her. Get her to start giggling. Say something clever. Take her on a date doing something she really enjoys. Even better make the date something she always wanted to do but just never had the chance to. Just pay attention. Sometimes you will even realize that she is not interested at all or is not giving up the snacks, and if you are PAYING ATTENTION you will come to the conclusion you are wasting your time with this one.

Guys, both of you, remember to always pay attention in the bedroom.  If the chick is reacting favorably to something you are doing then keep doing the shit. Do NOT start trying new tricks and end up fucking up the groove.  Try something else when that reaction is wearing down.  Don’t be the idiot that my female friends talk about that just did 5 different sexual positions in 5 minutes.  Dude get it together, calm down, and pay attention!  And go watch Boomerang so you can get some lessons from the master Marcus Graham. Just ignore when he slipped up with Jacqueline. That is definitely not the point of this post.