A few people felt like the First Date Guidelines were common sense and I personally feel like they should be. I guess common sense is not all that common these days. Here are some first date horror stories that a few ladies shared with me. This is PROOF that the guidelines were needed!
Here goes the first one.
“I met this guy at a friend’s birthday party and we exchanged information, he asked if I wanted to watch the Lakers championship finals at ESPN Zone, I was free and agreed to go. Here is where everything starts to go downhill. He said he lived close to the Staple Center and asked if I could pick him up. If I wasn’t so bored this particular day the answer would have been hell no, but I agreed and picked him up. He then directs me to a pay parking lot, I pull in and the parking attendant comes up to the car hands me a ticket and is waiting to be paid. I sat there waiting for my date to get his wallet out to pay, after all he directed me to the damn pay lot, not street parking or somewhere less expensive. He sat there oblivious to what’s going on so I paid the attendant. Once parked we get out the car and he has the nerve to say “oh you paid already?” I wanted to slap the taste out his mouth! We walk into ESPN Zone and we are told since it’s the NBA finals there is minimum $10.00 per person, per hour mandatory special. The hostess and waiter made this very clear, but not to my date who was too busy on his phone to listen. So we order, we eat, and everything is ok. His friend and his date even stop by for a few minutes. The waiter was very cool, he wasn’t sweating us on the $10.00 per person, but after an hour or so he did let us know we needed to order something else or pay the bill and leave. The game was almost over so we decided to pay and leave. This fool looks at the bill and starts sweating bullets; I see the panic all over his face. The check was about $50 and I can see in his wallet he only has a $20 bill. He was like “I’m going to call my boy to come back and let me borrow some money”. It was taking a while for his friend to reply or answer his call, and the waiter kept coming over to collect the check. This idiot sets the $20 with the check and when the waiter comes back around he lets him take it knowing damn well the full amount wasn’t there. The waiter comes back like “I need the remaining balance”. At this point I’m embarrassed and ready to go. I grab the check and put my credit card down. When the waiter brings me my receipt I leave a nice tip and write an apology. My date sees what I’m writing and says how he owes me and will pay me back, etc. As we leave I turn to the waiter and mouth “I’m sorry”. He looks at me with pity and was like “its ok”. Once back to my car this fool is trying to cupcake and even tried to get a kiss in, uh no! I told him I couldn’t drop him off and left. After that night he kept calling and texting trying to make up for that night and of course he got ignored.”
First of all this guy is the ultimate loser. He is really just failing at life. I just don’t get this dude. Why didn’t he just say meet me there since he stays near Staple Center? WHY go on the date in the first place if you’re broke?! And WHAT THE FUCK was he thinking when he put that 20 dollar bill in there knowing that it wasn’t going to cover the check?! I really wish I could have been sitting at the table next to them watching this all go down. The signs were there from the start. He asked to get picked up and then doesn’t even pay for parking! After all this he still tries go get some affection. Gotta love his short term memory. Dude didn’t give two fucks about being probably the worst date this woman’s ever had because he was still gonna try to get one in.
Another story from a ‘horrible first date’ victim.
“I agreed to go on a date with this handsome guy I recently met at a local bar. I had started to feel under the weather, but really didn’t want to cancel. I let him know that it may be best to postpone so that he doesn’t get ill , but he assured me he would be very happy to see me for as long as I was willing. He was having a dinner party with random friends later that evening.
I went pre-party, as I was feeling worse and worse by the hour, and to also avoid having to meet any of this friends on a first date, esp while I was feeling like crap. Initially, he really pulled out all the stops. Made me fresh tea. Soup. All the get-better-soon fixins’ – and all while he is preparing this feast for his friends. A gentleman and he can cook? I was impressed.
Fast-forward a couple of hours and some meds and tea (I brought the meds, I think it was Dayquil) he is taking a break as food simmers and sits by me and we are chatting. He goes in to kiss me. Initially, I use the excuse of “I’m sick” again. He responds with “I don’t care”. (Yes, the no-no list is getting longer – but in my defense, I hadn’t had a kiss quite some time, and it was yummy.) This kiss is very soon a pretty heavy make out session. I am a tad lightheaded (yes it was good but not that good, remember I was sick), so I sort of pull away to catch my breath. He gets up from his seat next to me, and walks away while complimenting me on my lips and kissing ability. I use his getting up, as my queue to politely exit – its gone WAY further than any first date I’d prefer.
I don’t know where he went however, but we are talking through the walls. I tell him I am feeling pretty badly, I think I am going to leave.
He returns to the living room with his pants off. Underwear off. Dick hard and out. “You sure you want to leave all this??”
WHAT?!! WHO SAYS THAT??
I felt like I’d def contributed to the confusion, so I didn’t go off (although that was so MANY things), and I just said “Yeah No. I’m good. I’m def not going there.” So he says, “OK lets just masturbate together.”
Man, if you could have been in my head at that moment.
It ended pretty well for him. As soon as he’d said it, he literally started jacking off. After I realized I was not hallucinating, I began collecting my things. He was still going. By the time I hit the door, he was done.
WHO DOES THAT??
And yes, I cut that fool off. This is not a porn movie dumb ass.”
This is so HILARIOUS! I’m with you my friend, WHO DOES THAT?! There were quite a few first date crimes committed here. She should NOT have gone to his house. This is not a good move on the first date or even for the first few dates. If you go to a guy’s house on the first date he is probably thinking there is a pretty good chance that he may end up pouncing that night. I didn’t really touch on kissing but if you do, it should at least happen at the end of the date. Making out a little bit on the couch is still no excuse for him coming out of the room porno style on you. I guess I’m not too mad at the dude. Sometimes you just have to take a shot and I must say this fool shot from half court on this one. Fuckin idiot.
He is our last victim but honestly she should take the blame for this one.
“I had to let you know about the worst first date EVER! I met this guy through a mutual friend. He was really handsome and seemed really cool. He asked me out to the movies and I was all for it. I will never forget this night! This idiot showed up at my door for our first date totally drunk. When I opened the door he could barely stand straight and was slurring. I should have shut it down right then and there, but for some reason I agreed to go to the movies with this fool and five minutes into the movie he was knocked out, snoring and everything. Needless to say that was our first and LAST date.”
This is really really bad. This one is full of first date NO NOs. I have to blame her for this one. Why why why did she accept to go to the movies?! That was going to be a bad date even if he was sober. Then he arrives at her home completely sauced! Why did she continue with this date after seeing him in that condition? Should of just closed the door in his face and turned on a good movie. We already know he ain’t shit but I must say I’m pretty disappointed in her. Hope you have learned your lesson and always refer back to the guidelines.
Joe Dates 