Monthly Archives: September 2013

Do it anywhere!

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Your relationship is stale. You are having sex once every couple of weeks.  When you do have sex it’s like a chore.  Routines fucking SUCK so get out of them. You guys need to try something new. You need a really good kickstart.  I don’t mean some regular punk ass date night. No wack ass dinner and a movie.  Plan a date of public fucking! No picnic unless you’re gonna do it right there in the park. No long walk on the beach unless you’re gonna end up with sand particles on your genitals (sex on the beach is dope but sand in your ass crack sucks). 

This is the spark you need. It is time to get adventurous and spontaneous. It will start as a plan but next thing you know you will be pouncing everywhere.  I have done this before and it is definitely in my top 5 dates.  This is the plan, you guys have to agree on about 5 places to try to get it on.  Of course you don’t want to get caught but the fact that you might makes it even better.  If you’re a little nervous about trying this then start with places you are less likely to get caught.  Even though you probably won’t get caught, you still know someone could possibly be watching or at least be taking notice that you were being naughty.  Some safer places are the beach really late at night or those lookouts that you’ve seen on all the high school movies where kids are trying to get their freak on.

For those who want to step it up lets do this!  This means you can’t give a fuck.  Pick a place and do it. We are breaking laws here folks and we just don’t give a damn.  Elevator- SMASHIN. Stairwell- SMASHIN. Drive thru- SMASHIN.  Ok so we decided to get a bite to eat.  OOPS your napkin fell under table.  Babygirl I think you need to pick that up…HEADY TIME!  Be open, be free, and have some fun.  Your partner is going to look extremely sexy to you after this date night, I promise. 

Here is a list of some other public options that you might wanna try out:

Baseball Diamond: I’m trying to dig her out in the dugout!

Movies: Of course! This where you were trying to get it on when you were still living with your parents. Be a kid again!

Random Restrooms: I’m talking hotels, restaurants, etc. Yeah the thought is a bit unsanitary but it’s still a good time.

College Library: Definitely not gonna work during finals week.

Tennis Court: Bend her ass over the net!

Department Store Dressing Rooms: Babe, how do these pants look on me?? WHAM! In there.  One of the easiest spots.

College Classroom: There is always an empty college classroom with an open door. You can earn that grade in there!

Cemetary: Creepy as fuck but I’m down.

Rooftops: Pick one! I know a couple I need to try out. Think about that view while you are pounding cakes.

Drive In: I really hope you’ve done this before but if you haven’t you’re welcome.

Forest: I live in LA so there aren’t too many of these but if you live near one go ahead and knock that out.

Parking Garage: If it’s the top floor then bend her over the hood.

Parks: On the swing, slide, monkey bars, etc. Make sure you don’t bring your kids to that same park!

Lifeguard Tower: They’ve been locking them lately, sad face.

Airplane: MILE HIGH CLUB BABY!!!!

Bleachers: Bring some cushions!

If you have more spots, leave them in my comments.   

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Can’t Turn a Hoe Into a Husband??? FALSE!

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I’m sure many of you have seen the ecards and memes with the phrase “Can’t turn a hoe into a husband either.” This is complete bullshit so if you have ever posted, liked, or agreed with this crap I question your intelligence.  First of all, women please stop trying to compare yourselves to men when it comes to sexual relations. We were groomed for this type of transition and you were not.  There are gender double standards and they are not going anywhere. This is why this phrase is ridiculous and false.

Guys step out the womb ready to rock out with our cocks out! From a young age we are encouraged to be on the hunt for women. The older males in our lives have always pushed us to play the field and try to poke any and everything moving. Even our own mothers and grandmothers don’t want us getting caught up in relationships too early. As a kid my male cousins and I would get asked by our aunts “how many girlfriends y’all got?”  They knew it was in our nature to chase.  It has always been ok for us to have multiple women in our younger years.  It is not until we hit maybe our late 20s that the “when are you going to settle down?” question pops up.  Now think about that for a second. This is a question that men are always asked, but have you ever heard of a woman being asked that question?  It just does not happen.  It is assumed and expected that we are going to be running around in the streets chasing tail.  Give us the threesomes, foursomes, and fivesomes. We want as many women as we can handle, but it is also assumed and expected that we will eventually grow tired of that lifestyle and decide to find that special lady. 

On the other hand, women are taught to only let the special ones take it down.  While guys were trying to lose their virginity to just about any chick that would let us, girls were trying to hold on to their virginity until they came across that “special” guy (I bet none of ya’ll think he was that special now).  We are over here trying to hit Wilt Chamberlain numbers while women are trying their best not to hit double digits too soon.  The women that do not really follow these standards are deemed unworthy of marriage by many other women and men as well (that means she’s a hoe for all those wondering). It is completely frowned upon for a woman to be tossing her vagina around like Tom Brady (runs a spread offense and passes to multiple receivers, just in case you didn’t get that).  These women are considered the “hoes” that should not be made into housewives.  Those standards don’t apply to men so that phrase will never fit us. It’s a losing battle ladies so give it up. 

Quite a few of my male friends have settled down and gotten married over the last few years.  I look up to these fellas because they are really great husbands.  They are faithful, selfless, and responsible men that have set great examples for guys like me who have not decided to throw in the towel just yet.  Now I’m saying all that to say this, MOST (not all!) were smashing or at least trying to smash every pretty face or big ass when they were single. Some of these guys were really doing their thing, but in time they shut it down.  We were built for this and y’all aren’t. So please stop it with that dumb ass phrase because you’re probably going to marry a hoe and that hoe is going to treat you like a queen.  You’re welcome!

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F*** Buddy Rules

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In my last post I shared one of my fuck buddy experiences and I kept bringing up rules. Some of you may be wondering what those rules are or why there are rules in the first place.  Having a fuck buddy can get complicated without rules.  These rules keep the participating parties in check.  You do not want to confuse a fuck buddy with any other type of romantic relationship. This will lead to someone being hurt.  To further understand, here are the rules:

NO AFFECTIONATE TOUCHING

– I don’t even kiss my fuck buddies but that may be extreme to some. For all, there is no cuddling and hugging, no holding hands, and no resting heads on shoulders. If you need all that then go get a boyfriend or girlfriend. Affectionate crap like this will lead to emotions. 

NO EMOTIONS/NEVER GET ATTACHED

– This probably should have been number one, but there should be absolutely no emotions involved.  This agreement is purely physical satisfaction. You are here for an orgasm folks, that’s it.  Do NOT care about them.  If you have feelings for the person don’t even try to become fuck buddies.  If you are growing feelings then this agreement has been voided.  This is going to be a problem for many of you ladies and some of you guys.  Proceed with caution if you are known for catching feelings.  Actually, just don’t do it at all.

IT’S AT EACH OTHER’S CONVENIENCE 

– You cannot get mad if the other person isn’t free or if they have to cancel plans.  This is NOT a relationship and you two are not dating. Setting aside time for you is not a requirement and there is no need to ever give an explanation. Leave all that complaining for whoever is unlucky enough to date you.  

MINIMUM CONVERSATIONS

– What is there to talk about??? Nothing but what new position you might want to try. They are not your counselor so don’t talk about life with them, and please don’t bring up who else you are dating.  NO ONE CARES. GET NAKED. Seriously, the less you talk, the less likely you are to catch feelings. One more thing about convos, NEVER EVER say I miss you. That phrase equates to you no longer wanting to just be fuck buddies.

NO MEETING FRIENDS/FAMILY

– If you see me out and about please act like you don’t know me. If I’m with my friends or fam there will be no introductions. Just keep it pushing and text me around midnight. There is no reason at all for you to meet them and there is definitely no reason for them to know who you are.  

NO SPENDING THE NIGHT

– Get your ass up and go home! I don’t care how tired you are. When you are finished doing the do, you must leave. There is no waking up to breakfast and watching morning cartoons together. No sir/ma’am, put on your clothes and kick rocks.

NO DATES 

– We don’t need to be seen out in public together. This situation is for sex, so go catch a movie or get a drink with someone else.  Now when you get a little tipsy send me that text and see if I’m free for a session. 

NO POP UP VISITS

– There is absolutely no reason to ever pop up at the other person’s house. You are never just in the neighborhood and if you really happen to be in that neighborhood then LEAVE.  If you come close to doing this then this is a situation you are surely not cut out for.

USE PROTECTION

– Stay strapped folks. Protection is a must. You don’t know what they having going on. You two don’t talk much. All you do is have sex occasionally.  With that in mind, ALWAYS use protection.  And who wants to impregnate a fuck buddy?! That would be tragic. 

BE A FREAK

– Being a freak is relative. So all this means is be freaky enough to satisfy your fuck buddy or what’s the point of having one. Try things out on each other. Think of this as really great practice getting you ready for your future mate.  You are going to be THE SHIT when you finally get one. 

NO LYING

– Keep it honest at all times.  There is no reason to ever lie.  Remember there aren’t any emotions or feelings involved so there is no reason to spare the other party’s feelings.  Lying is completely unnecessary.  

LIMIT SOCIAL MEDIA CONTACT

– Please don’t like every single picture or comment on every post on the various social media sites.  Some outside party is going to start assuming something and you want to keep your business between just the two of you.  To avoid any questioning it might be smart to completely stay away from each other on those sites.  So that means no following and no friend requests.  

NO LEAVING CRAP BEHIND

– Grab all your clothes and trinkets.  No one needs to know you were once at my residence.  If you are doing this on purpose then please jump in a real relationship and go ruin that person’s life you loser.  

NO PET NAMES 

– I’m not your baby, boo, or sweetheart. This is a NO NO. If these names are uttered I’m going to need you to grab your shit and run! This agreement has officially taken a wrong turn so get out as fast as you can.

NO GIFTS 

– There is never an occasion where you two are going to be celebrating something together so there should never be any gifts given or received.  Oh, Valentines Day is coming up? So what! This is not who you should be celebrating that day with. If this person even pops up in your head during Valentines Day or any holiday where gifts are exchanged then you need to move on.  

KNOW WHO YOU ARE

– This is the most important rule.  You must know if this is something that you can handle.  This is not for everybody.  Some people cannot detach their emotions from a sexual relationship.  If this is you then don’t even chance it.  If you are not being honest with yourself then you for damn sure aren’t going to be honest with your future fuck buddy or should I call them future running for their life ex fuck buddy. That is going to be a complete FAIL.  

Take heed to these rules and there is no harm in referring back to them later if you have forgotten a couple. Always remember to proceed with caution. Good luck folks.