First I want to apologize for the long hiatus. By the look of things my wisdom has been needed. I see so many of y’all making stupid ass dating mistakes. You could have just gone to my archives to get a lesson or two. Get it together people! Well I’m back and I promise to be more consistent. You’re welcome.
I am not gonna lie to you folks, I don’t think I have ever been in love. I have loved in a caring type of way but never the romantic love. And I am still not even sure what that is. Most of you don’t know what it is either (infatuated fuckers). Anyway, a few of my ex girlfriends (actually 2) have meant a lot to me. This means I actually give a fuck about their lives. Like if they are stuck somewhere in my convenient radius then I will come scoop em up with no problem. I’ll even accept their collect calls if they get locked up (hopefully someone smuggles them a cell phone so we can text because I hate talking on the phone). But most importantly I would never play with their emotions. So having sex with them is not an option for me. While I can just view the sex as only an orgasm, they may look deeper into it and see potentially rekindling a relationship. Even if she says she only wants sex, DO NOT DO IT! Unless you think the sex is worth losing someone you care about or them hating your guts, PLEASE let them go.
Maturity comes with experience. I sound like I have it all figured out now but years ago it was all about the poon. I didn’t give a damn about anyone’s feelings, I wanted them cakes! I have definitely told a woman I loved her to get some ass. I am NOT proud of this at all. That one I actually truly regret. The woman forgave me people so please stop your judging IMMEDIATELY. Another regret was using an ex that meant so much to me for sex. We had been broken up for a couple months and I had no intention of giving up my newly acquired freedom anytime soon. BUT I still wanted that ass. I knew she still loved me and I used that. I took advantage of her. One day she finally realized my only objective was my own selfish satisfaction and I became dirt to her. She could not understand how a man that once meant everything to her could completely disregard her feelings and emotions for a fucking nut. She was hurt, disappointed, and hated me. I felt like shit. It took a few years but we eventually became good friends again. I’ve made sure I never did that to another woman that I truly cared about.
It is not easy. We are men and we are driven by the vag. I had a buddy that was dating this young lady for a while. She wanted a relationship while he was fine with just sex and occasionally hanging out. The problem was they were friends and he really did care about her. My boy just wasn’t ready for commitment at the time. He was not willing to give her what she wanted so he needed to shut it down and stop wasting her time. He had a hard time doing this. He was comfortable with her, the sex was great, and like I said, he really did like her. Now he did tell her he wasn’t ready for a committed relationship, BUT he knew she had a weakness for him. She was in a stage of hope. While in that stage he could throw a rock at her and she’ll get excited. She is looking for any sign to hold on to that hope. I told him if he cared about her he must let her go, completely. He eventually let her go but there was a lot of damage done.
So basically don’t be a selfish asshole to people that you love. Go masturbate or get you a fuck buddy (check out ‘fuck buddy rules’ in the archives). That orgasm is not worth hurting someone you care about, believe me. If she is constantly throwing it at you, this is not the time to get your Jerry Rice on. Fellas, think Neo in the Matrix and dodge all that. Loyal and dependable individuals are hard to come by, so cherish them. On another note, I’m back in this thang heaux! So leave comments and share. If you have topics you want me to touch on leave those in the comments as well.
The girl, it is all about the girl. And not just that one girl, we want them all. Since day one we were told that’s what it’s about. We were told this by our brothers, cousins, friends, and even our fathers. I was barely 10 years old when my older cousins were asking me, “Joey, you get you some pussy yet?” When I felt that question was coming, my stomach started cramping up with anxiety and embarrassment. I remember wanting to run away every time it was asked. I was only fucking 10!!! Hell no I hadn’t tapped any ass yet. In the beginning, I was ok with saying, no. But when I turned 12 it was no longer ok to be a virgin. Oh boy was this some pressure. I always knew when that damn question was coming. At 12 I just went ahead and started lying. I learned early that you must have those lies straight because you are going to have to tell at least five more. You are also going to have to come up with some names and a legitimate reason why you can’t call that girl to confirm that you got them cakes. My lies SUCKED but I did what a real man does and I stuck to them! My cousins knew I was lying my ass off. But I kept those lies coming. I would like to apologize to Tanisha, Aja, Danielle, and Ebony because I had sex with all y’all in the 8th grade according to the stories I told my big cousins.
My cousins were so hard on me that when the questions came from my peers, lying was a piece of cake. I would say things like; “Hell yeah I’m fuckin. My girl goes to Palisades and the other one goes to Hamilton.” You always had to pick a school that was just far enough away from your school so that no one you told this lie to had any connections at these schools. And if they did know someone there, you better be ready for some follow up lies. All I knew at this time was that being a man meant fucking the most girls, period. It was all about getting the cat. This pursuit ran my life! This is all my boys and I ever talked about. Some of them were getting it, but my best friend Kevin and I surely were not. We couldn’t get a break! The girls were letting us do everything but STICK THE TIP IN! I still remember my fingers cramping up hoping that this would eventually lead to me officially dropping my membership in the “dry dick gang”.
This chase was real. The thing that really sucked was we were actually pretty popular. Well Kevin was way more popular than me. But since I was his best friend I was destined to get some sidekick ass, right? And BOOM that is exactly what happened. We were 18 (yes, I did not lose my virginity until I was 18 so eat a fat one) and by this time Kevin had already knocked down a couple girls. I, on the other hand, used my other hand. I can’t tell you how tired I was of lying about not being a virgin?! Anyway, one of the girls Kevin was dating had that trusty ol’ sidekick. He was house-sitting for his god mother and he got his chick and her sidekick to come through and stay the night with us. Little miss fast ass, hot in the pants (double standards are here to stay so deal with it) didn’t know me at all but as long as I was cute she was down. Kevin and I knew my time had come! I finally got my first piece of tang! Wooohooo! I felt so free. The details of the actual night are for another entry. Just know I was super wack, it was over in seconds, and it was the start of the lame dick excuses. Now this didn’t really get the ball rolling too much. I wasn’t knocking them down left and right. I was getting some every few months, which is crazy because I’d lose it if I went longer than a couple weeks without some now. Now that I had finally experienced what I had been lying about for years, the chase was truly on. I may have only been getting some every few months, but damn I was putting in some crazy effort to get the girl or girls. That’s what being a man is all about, right?
The reality is sometimes we are just trying to get a nut! Wearing that championship belt* just is not on our agenda every night. On those “very rare” occurrences (I PUTS IN WORK most of the time) we really don’t give two shits what y’all think of us. We are probably just trying to go to sleep anyway so give us a damn break. There does come a time when you have to jump in that phone booth, come out with that S on your chest, and give that woman the good D.
If this is someone you are dating and it’s your first time being intimate with her then of course it’s championship belt time. You better stand over it like Ric Flair! The other time it’s an absolute MUST is when she knows all your people. You don’t want it going around town your pound game is trash. You want your name hitting the streets like you are giving that Zane Sex Chronicles PEEN.
A few years ago my older cousin was having a party and I was introduced to her friend who just happened to have one of the biggest asses EVER. I’m talkin video vixen country cakers! Anyway, I was not really interested but she was on me tough. I really just wanted to go home and sleep but that damn peer pressure and those damn older cousins of mine (still influencing my life 15 years later). I’m trying to ignore the girl’s advances but one cousin after another is getting in my ear telling me I need to take that down. I then thought to myself, “Hey Joe, maybe you can get some heady out of this chick because it has definitely been a minute.” Sooo 5 minutes after that thought she is following me back to the crib.
My agenda: some head and a quick nut so she could take her ass home. She was ready to get straight to business but I stopped her, “I’m gonna need some head before we get to it.” This broad had the audacity to tell me not only does she not give head but she has never given head! I wanted to drop kick her in her esophagus, not because I wanted head that bad, but because I knew she was fucking lying! I didn’t really wanna have sex with her so I called her bluff and told her if I didn’t get any head then it wasn’t going down. Of course she gave in (lying slutball), and I must say it was some of the best head ever. Now it was time to get it in and I wanted to get this over QUICK. That is when it hit me that my cousins were going to hear all about this. Change of plans! Time to put on that Cape and the Championship Belt. Had to give her that GOOD D! Folks I tore that ass up. I was actually too good and it bit me on the ass. This occurred around 4am and she was already giving my cousin a report by 8am. This chick made me sound like a porn star which is cool with me, but then she started talking about she might end up becoming the Mrs! Ummm get yo crazy ass out of here. But it had to be done. The fam needed to know little cousin was beastin and they better not forget it. My rep was intact! It actually took a minute to shake her crazy ass. Sheesh that was scary. The gift and the curse of the GOOD D folks.