Tag Archives: dating

You’re so cute puppies look at you on the internet!

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Dear Love,

I really like you. I know you say you are too young to like boys but when it comes to love, it overcomes everything. I know you think I am annoying and a fool, but I am a fool for you. Since I fall a lot, do you have a Band-Aid? If you don’t it’s alright, I just scrape my knee falling for you. When I see you, it’s like an earthquake or did you rock my world? When you sneeze I would say God bless you, but it looks like he did already. You are so hot even the leaves fall for you. You’re so cute puppies look at you on the internet. You are really nice. When I am sad, you make me happy. I don’t know what I would do without you. You are probably going to say no, but will you go couple skating with me? We don’t have to hold hands. Well now you know how I feel.

This is a real love letter from a 10 year old boy to the daughter of a friend of mine. First of all this kid is either going to be a killer with the ladies or he is going to be one devoted man to one special lady. I would love to say the game is strong but I truly believe that he sincerely meant every single word in this letter. He needs to start writing poems, songs, or greeting cards because his hyperbole game is off the charts. When I first read this letter I thought it was the best love letter ever written. The kid said “When you sneeze I would say God bless you, but it looks like he did already.” It doesn’t get much better than that. I shared this letter with everyone I knew. It was just so hilarious and heartfelt! Only recently did it hit me that I don’t know too many men that would ever put themselves out there like this. Personally never would I ever do anything like this. My thinking was I’m way too cool and tough for some shit like this. But to be honest, the one who expresses his true feelings is actually the brave one.

We have all been there! You met a woman who opened your eyes to a whole new world. Everything about her grabbed your attention. From her walk, to her laugh, to how her eyes opened just a little wider when she was truly interested in your take on a particular subject. For once you paid attention to everything about a woman. You’re fuckin hooked! The woman could damn near get y’all in a car accident, but you’re just thinking how cute it is that her ass can’t drive for shit (and that you’ll be doing majority of the driving here on out). You want to share all these feelings with her. You want to give her all these details because you want to see her face light up with excitement and possibility, BUT YOU’RE FUCKING SCARED!

What if she doesn’t respond the way you hope she does? What if you find out this woman who is making this great impression on you just sees you as another guy? Yo that will fuckin suck monkey balls! It is going to break you down. You’re gonna be sick! This whole time you could have just played it safe and acted like you didn’t give a fuck. You probably still would have at least got some pussy out of it. Hey, that’s what your cool ass has been doing all these years. Why would you change up now?? You change up now because you want a different feeling. You want a different type of satisfaction. You want to be super excited to be doing absolutely nothing with this woman. Her presence is it. The thought of seeing her later that evening is allowing you to walk through the battlefield at work unscathed. Yo take the chance. Show some bravery. It won’t be the end of the world if it doesn’t turn out the way you want. It’s gon hurt like a muthafucka but you’ll be straight. Think about the possibilities if it turns out exactly how you want. Now wouldn’t that be fucking amazing!

 

I’ve Never Been in Love

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Last week I confessed that I had never been in love. I have been getting hit up all week about this. People just cannot believe that throughout my 33 years I have never once fallen in love. I have been accused of having a cold heart or just not being open to love. That ain’t it people. I have loved some of the women I have been in relationships with but I was not in love with any of them. I am open to love but I will never force it. It’s not like any of us can force ourselves to be in love anyway. You either are or you aren’t. I’m a real one and I admit that I am clueless on what being “in love” means. Because of this, I have decided to explore the topic. I have asked men and women to give me their definition of what being in love means. The ages vary as well as their relationship statuses. Hopefully after reading these different takes on the topic, we will all have a better understanding of what being “in love” really means.

 

Mandy, 35 year old female who is currently in an 8 month relationship.

What does it mean to be in love?

 

Love isn’t only the magical, planned moments of lust, long looks, great sex, and smiles…love is truly defined between two people during the cold, dirty, uncomfortable moments that don’t feel all lovey dovey but require more of love to make it through back to the happiness. It requires determination to resist the flight feeling building in your chest when shit gets rough.

 

Are you in love?

 

I’m in love.

 

How did you know you were in love? Was there a moment that stands out?

 

Yep two moments that were connected…it was when his father died. It was only a month into our relationship and I don’t do death well but all I wanted to do was be there for him in any way I could. I helped wherever I could and even interacted with all of his family when I hadn’t met any of them under regular circumstances…and it all felt easy and right. The day after the funeral I was leaving for Houston for a book thing and it was officially our one month anniversary and he still found time to get me something in the midst of all that chaos and have it shipped to where I was staying. I felt like we had each other’s backs. I can honestly say though that it takes working on my relationship daily to stay IN love. You can love someone but fall in and out of love based on situations and character flaws (unless they are nuts like Pizza Dough*). To be able to look past the nonsense and bullshit and still see the man I fell for and all the amazing parts of him feels great.

*Pizza Dough is the name that I gave this woman’s ex boyfriend because the extra skin around his chin and neck looked like pizza dough.

Miguel, 33 year old male who has been in a relationship for a little over 2 years.

 

What is your definition of being in love?

 

Love is no hesitation, just doing shit. Love is support. Love is just because. Love is backbone. Love is sacrifice. Love is wanting to grow. Love is respect.

 

Are you in love?

 

Yea, my girl is a rider, that’s my dog. Don’t get me wrong, I love hoes, but I really love my girl.

 

How did you know you were in love?

 

Trial and Error. I truly believe you have to go thru some real shit with a chick to establish what love is.

 

Is there a situation that stands out that let you know you were in love with this woman?

 

For me it’s small things- for instance when my truck went down. Without hesitation she was like you could use my spare car instead of waste money on a rental. We were 6 weeks into kicking it. I realized this could be real, she was down for the cause. See I have my own shit. So when you invest effort and time, that’s huge.

 

Angela, 32 year old female who is currently engaged.

 

What does it mean to be in love?

 

Love for me is when you are going through life experiences good and bad and the person you feel you NEED to share these experiences with and talk to is your significant other.

 

How did you know you were in love?

 

Hmmmm well the above. But probably mostly when i started to consider him and his feelings even when he was not around.

 

Was there a certain situation or moment where you realized you were in love with your fiance?

 

Yeah there was a weekend…it was Memorial Day weekend and it was the first time we spent everyday together and had some conversations of him asking me to let my walls down and reassuring me that he wasn’t going anywhere blah blah blah and after that I realized I was in love with him.


Dame, 37 year old man who is currently engaged to Angela.

 

What does it mean to be in love?

 

Well my perspective on love is that the Right Person will make you want to be a better version of yourself. Real love is wrapped up in a whole lot of compromise and understanding..

 

Was there a moment that made you realize you were in love?

 

Particular moment would probably be the first weekend we spent together…I knew because at that point I didn’t want ANYBODY else and I didn’t want her with anybody else and her company was enough.

 

Erin, 33 year old female who has been married for 6 years.

 

What does being in love mean?

 

Being in love means being your best self, authentically happy and laughing to sleep every night. It doesn’t matter what it is, just laugh at something together everyday.

 

When did you know you were in love?

 

I knew right away. It was very easy. There were no “is this love” questions at all. I knew what it was and that it was different than anything I’d ever felt before. I guess that’s why I’m still here 10 years later.

 

D, 36 year old husband of Erin.

 

What does being in love mean?

 

Uninhibited selfless behavior.

 

When did you know you were in love?

 

Strong feelings from the start … I didn’t realize I was until I started talking about her to a friend.. like an epiphany.

 

Wilma, 28 year old female that has been married for 6.5 years.

 

What does it mean to be in love?

 

If you wanted something on a surface level I will give you my thoughts based on my relationship… I love Rich, I love him for just existing in my world, I love him for the experiences he has given me and I love him for unapologetically being who he is – from the person he was when I met him to the person he is today has changed over time (we all have evolved), yet regardless of what stage he is in as an individual, my love is still present. I honestly don’t know how to describe my love for him with specifics because it is just present – it exists regardless of an action or result – because I’m at a level where results, domination or jealousy are fading completely… I won’t say that it is completely removed because I haven’t reached that level of understanding yet… But a good chunk of those “love” issues most couples go through are not present within me… And I can’t speak for him sooooooo you have to get his take lol

 

When did you realize you were in love?

 

I knew I was in love when I realized that there was no pressure from him towards me. We were friends at first… With no obligations to do or say anything on the others behalf… So I knew once I realized that he had no agenda other than to be in my presence – that’s when it became apparent that we were on the same page…  Because I had no agenda for him as well… We were and still are just present and enjoy that presence together.

Been married for 6.5 years… But honestly I don’t define my relationship by a ring… We got married for the message it sends our kids as being committed and other benefits as far as having a partnership in business terms that it brings … Do you get it

I think we would still be together if we weren’t married because this ring or certificate isn’t what makes love work… It’s what you think about love…

 

Rich, 28 year old husband of Wilma.

 

What does it mean to be in love?

 

My interpretation of love is when you are completely consumed by the urge to endure every moment with them. There dawg…short and to the point. That shit should be on a card or something…

 

When did you know you were in love?

 

When that urge became stronger than my desire to be alone or with multiple partners.

 

Andrew, 33 year old man who has been married for a little over 7 years.

 

What does being in love mean to you?

 

Is this a real question or is this your attempt to finally say you’re full blown gay.

 

It’s for my blog dude! That was really funny though.

 

Being in love to me means that you as an individual are so into another person’s interest and investments in their lives that at times you forget about your own selfish desires and even goals. Your life becomes about making them happy, which in return makes you happy. I guess examples in my life of this are, my wife could care less about sports but for the 7 plus years of marriage she attempts to please me, by not just trying to watch sports or know who Kobe Bryant is. But she records games for me, she makes sure she gets the sports package when we get cable, she will buy random team shirts, she makes sure there is beer in the fridge when a big play off or championship game is on. Every first weekend of college football she plans an event with the kids so I can watch the games, not because I tell her but because she wants me happy. She has no interest in sports but she does have an interest in me. That sports thing is small. There are bigger things. She gave up a career but that’s a long story. The same goes for me, my wife is into coupons and cute shit to make decorative shit. I have no interest in any of that but yet somehow anytime I am in a grocery store or I see a deal on the tv, I inform her. I also follow coupon people on my instagram and I subscribe to them through email, I have no interest yet I know this is something she likes so I pay it forward and do it to make her happy. Like I said these are small examples and they are meant to be funny but if you think about it the sacrifice of deciding to have a kid(s) or not have kids, or to put off an opportunity to travel because it may hinder another person. I think that is love. Hope this answered your question I wrote this while dealing with a class of Internet thugs.

 

Jevin, 33 year old male who has been married for 10 years.

 

What is your definition of being in love?

 

The ultimate definition of Love is sacrifice. I’m not saying giving up everything, but sometimes it’s letting the other party win, it’s being patient when you don’t want to be, it’s apologizing at times when you know you’re right, it’s listening to your partners needs, etc. If both parties are trying to make each other happy the relationship will be a success and that will exude true love. Of course it will be difficult to do this ALL the time, but it’s a sacrifice. Is the other party worth that sacrifice? I had a whole lot to say, but I condensed it.

 

How did you know you were in love with your wife? Was there a moment that stands out?

 

I had dated a lot of women and a lot of them played games. After those experiences I knew what to look for, what not to look for and to pay attention to the red flags. When I first met my wife I wasn’t even looking for a wife or even a girlfriend. I had about 5 girls in rotation I was dating. So when I met my wife she was sooooo cool we had a lot of the same interest and her personality was amazing. The funny thing is I was never going to ask her out because I felt she was out of my league. So I invited her to a gig I was DJing and she showed up. So after the gig I took her out to eat while we were out eating our conversation was incredible it wasn’t any awkward silences. It was like we knew each other. A lot of times people judge people without even knowing them and because of how beautiful she was I didn’t expect her to be as down to earth as she was. So we started dating. I knew she was the one I wanted to be with after we had our first argument. I know it’s weird, but I believe arguments are the ultimate test in a relationship. To think you’re never going to have an argument or disagreement is unrealistic. As long as you’re you and they’re them at some point there will be something you disagree on. If you’re with someone for a long period of time and you both agree on everything someone’s lying. After the 1st argument when we both got over it, I looked at her and said that wasn’t bad and I knew she was the one.

Oh and I felt like I was in love with her during the 1st date but I held back because I thought it was too soon and I didn’t wanna be a sucka! So 11 years later I know, it was love.

 

Gayle, 47 year old female who is currently separated after 26 years of marriage.

 

What is your definition of being in love?

 

Why did you just bring tears to my eyes… to cherish and honor. When you cherish the one you love you understand the value of their life and respect their existence. Don’t take love for granted. Cherish it and it will last.

 

How did you know you were in love?

 

Good question…I truly felt that my husband loved me by the way he made me feel. He was very attentive and caring. I felt safe. He earned my trust and I wanted to be the woman that was by his side as he grew as a man, in life and ministry. I believed in him.

 

Was there a situation or moment that made you say or think “I’m really in love with this man”?

 

I think the one moment I remember before we got married, is when we broke up. I felt very incomplete, a feeling I had never experienced before.

 

My momma, 65 years old and separated after 33 years of marriage.

 

What is your definition of being in romantic love?

 

Goal:  Getting up every day thinking of a way to make each other feel special.

 

How did you know you were in love? Was there a moment?

 

Thinking of the person constantly and wanting to be wherever they are. Being around them makes you happy. Romantic love is superficial and unrealistic but feels good.

 

What’s the difference between romantic love and being “in love?”

 

You are in the first stage.  A love that hasn’t been tested.  Romance in a mature relationship is sporadic and necessary i.e. romance is part of the love relationship.

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I really want to thank all these folks for their time and contributions to the topic. I definitely learned a lot from all of these different perspectives. What stands out the most is sacrifice and unselfishness. When you find someone you are willing and even happy to sacrifice for, that might be the one. I guess I won’t really know until I actually experience it. Being in love sounds incredible but really really heavy. It actually has me a tad bit scared. Might need to avoid this like the plague!

PS. Don’t get used to this lovey dovey stuff from me. I’m hittin you with some gangster shit next week.

Let Them Go!

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First I want to apologize for the long hiatus. By the look of things my wisdom has been needed. I see so many of y’all making stupid ass dating mistakes. You could have just gone to my archives to get a lesson or two. Get it together people! Well I’m back and I promise to be more consistent. You’re welcome.

I am not gonna lie to you folks, I don’t think I have ever been in love. I have loved in a caring type of way but never the romantic love. And I am still not even sure what that is. Most of you don’t know what it is either (infatuated fuckers). Anyway, a few of my ex girlfriends (actually 2) have meant a lot to me. This means I actually give a fuck about their lives. Like if they are stuck somewhere in my convenient radius then I will come scoop em up with no problem. I’ll even accept their collect calls if they get locked up (hopefully someone smuggles them a cell phone so we can text because I hate talking on the phone). But most importantly I would never play with their emotions. So having sex with them is not an option for me. While I can just view the sex as only an orgasm, they may look deeper into it and see potentially rekindling a relationship. Even if she says she only wants sex, DO NOT DO IT! Unless you think the sex is worth losing someone you care about or them hating your guts, PLEASE let them go.

Maturity comes with experience. I sound like I have it all figured out now but years ago it was all about the poon. I didn’t give a damn about anyone’s feelings, I wanted them cakes! I have definitely told a woman I loved her to get some ass. I am NOT proud of this at all. That one I actually truly regret. The woman forgave me people so please stop your judging IMMEDIATELY. Another regret was using an ex that meant so much to me for sex. We had been broken up for a couple months and I had no intention of giving up my newly acquired freedom anytime soon. BUT I still wanted that ass. I knew she still loved me and I used that. I took advantage of her. One day she finally realized my only objective was my own selfish satisfaction and I became dirt to her. She could not understand how a man that once meant everything to her could completely disregard her feelings and emotions for a fucking nut. She was hurt, disappointed, and hated me. I felt like shit. It took a few years but we eventually became good friends again. I’ve made sure I never did that to another woman that I truly cared about.

It is not easy. We are men and we are driven by the vag. I had a buddy that was dating this young lady for a while. She wanted a relationship while he was fine with just sex and occasionally hanging out. The problem was they were friends and he really did care about her. My boy just wasn’t ready for commitment at the time. He was not willing to give her what she wanted so he needed to shut it down and stop wasting her time. He had a hard time doing this. He was comfortable with her, the sex was great, and like I said, he really did like her. Now he did tell her he wasn’t ready for a committed relationship, BUT he knew she had a weakness for him. She was in a stage of hope. While in that stage he could throw a rock at her and she’ll get excited. She is looking for any sign to hold on to that hope. I told him if he cared about her he must let her go, completely. He eventually let her go but there was a lot of damage done.

So basically don’t be a selfish asshole to people that you love. Go masturbate or get you a fuck buddy (check out ‘fuck buddy rules’ in the archives). That orgasm is not worth hurting someone you care about, believe me. If she is constantly throwing it at you, this is not the time to get your Jerry Rice on. Fellas, think Neo in the Matrix and dodge all that. Loyal and dependable individuals are hard to come by, so cherish them. On another note, I’m back in this thang heaux! So leave comments and share. If you have topics you want me to touch on leave those in the comments as well.

Sexy Time Playlist

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As a music lover I have different playlists for different moods.  My playlists get pretty detailed.  I actually have a playlist for lifting weights and a totally different playlist for cardio.  Music effects my mood and production that much.  I can’t lift weights to jazz or r&b! I need that hardcore gangsta shit so I can effectively get my buff on.  The right songs can put you in that perfect mind-set for any situation.  This is why it is so very important to have the right playlist when you are on a date.

Your playlist will say a lot about your maturity or lack thereof.  If your dumb ass is riding around with your date playing Tyga and French Montana, please get the hell off my blog because you don’t deserve to even smell vagina.  I actually think it’s important to have two different playlists for the date.  The first playlist should be a type of cool mix.  A bunch of chill songs that aren’t too sexual and you could even get a cool little two step to.  This just sets the mood for an easygoing and relaxing night.  Feeling comfortable and at ease is a good thing and the right songs can most definitely trigger those responses.  You might also want to throw in a couple songs that aren’t very popular.  She’ll most likely have no idea who the artist is and now she is starting to think your plotting ass is cultured.  NICE!

The other playlist you need is what I like to call the SEXY TIME playlist. Yes, I am the first person to name a playlist SEXY TIME.  I am the originator! Remember that folks.  Ok, now If the date was good but you are pretty sure it is not going to lead to some insertion that night then keep playing the cool mix.  Do not and I repeat DO NOT throw on SEXY TIME if you really don’t think it’s going to go down.  This can prevent you from ever having a chance to go to the next level with that woman.  If you throw it on when she’s not ready she is going to think you want to hit, and that will ruin the nice evening you just had.  NOW if you are seeing signs that you might have a shot to show her your package later, go ahead and turn on the SEXY TIME.  Your playlist MUST let her know  there is no doubt that you plan on TAKING HER DOWN!  If you are as detailed as I, your playlist will flow from beginning to end.

Here are a few songs that are must-haves for your playlist:

Floetry- Say Yes (This is perfect for getting the party started)

Raheem Devaughn- Customer

Jodeci- Freek’n You

D’Angelo- (Untitled) How Does It Feel

Janet Jackson- Would You Mind (YEAH BUDDY! This one right here!! WHOOOO! You’re welcome)

Isley Brothers- Between The Sheets (This one will forever have a place on my list) 

Joe- All The Things

Maxwell- Till The Cops Come Knocking/This Womans Work (Love and Basketball scene, you gotta do it)

R Kelly- Your Body’s Callin

Silk- Meeting In My Bedroom

Raphael Saadiq & Teedra Moses- Take me (This one is my gift to ya’ll)

That’s it! My playlist is LONG but this is  all I’m sharing!  YOU ARE WELCOME!

What songs are on your playlist? List them in the comments section.

 

 

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Get Out This Weekend!

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Joe Dates is showing y’all some weekend love so appreciate me suckas! Since I got such a good response from last week’s post, I have decided to do this every Friday. So every Friday if you want to see what is going on for the weekend jump on JoeDates.org.  NO MORE WACK DATES! Enjoy the weekend folks.

Friday Aug. 9, 2013

Brea Fest: A Taste of the Arts

Date: Friday, August 16, 2013

Time: 6:30 PM to 10:00 PM

Venue: Brea Civic and Cultural Center, Brea, CA

Address: Civic Center Circle,Brea,CA, 92822

Website: http://www.cityofbrea.net/CivicAlerts.aspx?AID=65

Brea Fest is a family event that is Brea’s most “tastiest” celebration and party of the year. Guests are invited to sample delicious food and beverages from over 30 area restaurants and features two outdoor bands, live music and exhibition in the… more

Friday Night Sing Alongs: Movie Musicals

Date: Friday, August 16, 2013

Time: 6:30 PM to 8:00 PM

Venue: W.M. Keck Amphitheatre at Walt Disney Concert Hall, Los Angeles, CA

Address: 111 S. Grand Ave.,Los Angeles,CA, 90012

Website: http://www.musiccenter.org/events/activearts/friday-night-sing-alongs/

FRIDAY NIGHT SING-ALONGS: Movie Musicals August 16, 2013 W.M. Keck Amphitheatre Walt Disney Concert Hall FREE 6:30 – 8:00 p.m. Let your voice be heard along with hundreds of fellow fun-loving songbirds! It’s time to belt out your favorite tunes from… more

Family Fun Food Truck Night

Date: Friday, August 16, 2013

Time: 5:00 PM to 10:00 PM

Venue: Visitation School and Parish Grounds, Los Angeles, CA

Address: 8740 Emerson Ave.,Los Angeles,CA, 90045

Website: http://www.visitationschool.org

JOIN US Friday, August 16th, 5-10pm -14 Gourmet Food Trucks -Music by the AWESOME ‘Good Cop Bad Cop’ Band http://gcbcband.com/ -O’Malley’s Pub -Dessert Stop Cafe -Melissa’s Airbrush Tattoos -Fantastic Fig & Newton Magician -Hoop Dancing with Josie… more

Dinner and a Movie

Make the most of summer at L.A. LIVE with the $30 Dinner and a Movie package!

Date: Friday, August 16, 2013

Time: 5:00 PM

Venue: L.A. LIVE, Los Angeles, CA

Address: 800 W. Olympic Blvd.,Los Angeles,CA, 90015

Website: http://www.lalive.com/dinnerandamovie

Fusion Fridays

Date: Friday, August 16, 2013

Time: 7:30 AM to 10:30 PM

Venue: Pacific Asia Museum, Pasadena, CA

Website: http://www.pacificasiamuseum.org/_calendar/fusionfridays.aspx

Address: 46 N. Los Robles Ave.,Pasadena,CA, 91101

Summer Nights 2013 7:30-10:30 p.m. Free to members, $15 for nonmembers Join us for Pacific Asia Museum’s fourth season of our popular Fusion Friday series! Enjoy a dynamic mix of art in the galleries, live performances and interactive experiences,…more

Fiesta Fridays – Every Third Friday of the Month!

Date: Friday, August 16, 2013

Time: 10:00 AM

Venue: Boyle Avenue, Los Angeles, CA

Address: Corner of 1st Street and Boyle Ave,Los Angeles,CA, 90033

Website: http://festivalnet.com/63264/Los-Angeles-California/Music-and-Art-Festivals/Fiesta-Fridays-Every-Third-Friday-of-the-Month?fn=fn01058

The event is located right outside of the Mariachi Plaza Gold Line Subway Station at the corner of 1ST Street & Boyle Ave. Great location with amazing foot traffic. International Food Vendors welcome and art, craft, or fashion businesses, vendors… more

“Creative Nite Out”

Date: Friday, August 16, 2013

Time: 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM

Venue: Dysonna City Art Gallery, Los Angeles, CA

Address: 5373 Wilshire Blvd.,Los Angeles,CA, 90036

Website: http://www.dysonnacityartgallery.com

Hey there, Are you looking for a great girl’s night out? Come out to Dysonna City Art Gallery and have a fun night of painting. We will also serve wine and food, so a great way to have fun. We will also have the wonderfully funny Leslie Jones, here… more

Friday Frenzy Standup Comedy

Date: Friday, August 16, 2013

Time: 8:30 PM

Venue: OH My Ribs! Entertainment, Los Angeles, CA

Address: 6468 Santa Monica Blvd.,Los Angeles,CA, 90038

Website: http://www.ohmyribs.com

Come to The Ribs! for Friday Frenzy! Please join us for an awesome night of comedy featuring some of the best standup comics in town! THIS Week: Lineup TBA and hosted by Lisa Gopman! Admission is $8 Doors at 8PM, Show starts at 8:30! Stick Around For Karaoke!

Murder Mystery Dinner Show – Dinner Detective Orange …

Date: Friday, August 16, 2013

Time: 6:00 PM to 9:00 PM

Venue: Embassy Suites, Orange County, Santa Ana, CA

Address: 1325 E. Dyer Rd.,Santa Ana,CA, 92705

Website: http://www.thedinnerdetective.com

America’s largest, award-winning, interactive comedic murder mystery dinner show is now playing every Saturdaynight and select Fridays. Unlike other dinner shows, here you will find no cheesy costumes, no campy dialogue and no hokey songs. Our… more

Summer Concert Series at the Hyatt Regency Newport …

Date: Friday, August 16, 2013

Time: 7:30 PM

Venue: Hyatt Regency-Newport Beach, Newport Beach, CA

Address: 1107 Jamboree Rd.,Newport Beach,CA, 92660

Website: http://www.series.hyattconcerts.com

You’re invited to experience the Newport Beach Summer Concert Series at the completely renovated Hyatt Regency Newport Beach! From June to October, you can enjoy summer evenings and nights listening to talented musicians, enjoying delicious food… more

Rum & Reggae

Date: Friday, August 16, 2013

Time: 6:00 PM to 10:00 PM

Venue: Renaissance ClubSport, Aliso Viejo, CA

Address: 50 Enterprise,Aliso Viejo,CA, 92656

Website: http://www.renaissanceclubsport.com/aliso-viejo

Let the island-style celebration begin! Join us for National Rum Day with live entertainment by Entropy and, of course, our inspired rum cocktails. R Spa will be celebrating with us, featuring a trunk show showcasing Dino apparel, Designer Brooke Rodd, and Coola sun care products.

Saturday Aug. 17, 2013

LA Taco Festival™ 2013

Date: Saturday, August 17, 2013

Time: 12:00 PM to 8:00 PM

Venue: Mariachi Plaza, Los Angeles, CA

Address: E 1st St. and N Boyle Ave.,Los Angeles,CA, 90033

Website: https://www.latacofestival.com

Please join us for the 3rd Annual Taco Festival in Los Angeles, welcoming back our favorite taco restaurants PINCHES TACOS, TACOS CANDELAS and the addition of ten new taco vendors! Featuring live music, artists, community resources and more!

Chinatown Summer Nights

Date: Saturday, August 17, 2013

Time: 5:00 PM to 11:55 PM ·

Venue: Los Angeles Chinatown, Los Angeles, CA

Address: 951 N. Broadway,Los Angeles,CA, 90012

Website: http://www.experiencela.com/calendar/event/54086

LA Chinatown Sizzles this Summer with the Chinatown Summer NIghts Series presented by LA Chinatown and Kcrw 89.9 Fm. Named one of the best summer parties in Los Angeles, Chinatown Summer Nights returns for threeSaturday nights of immersive music,… more

5k Foam Fest – Los Angeles 2013

Date: Saturday, August 17, 2013

Time: 8:00 AM

Venue: Fairplex, Pomona, CA

Address: 1101 W. McKinley Ave.,Pomona,CA, 91768

Website: http://5kfoamfest.com/Location/Index/18

All Roads Lead To Foam!!! The 5k Foam Fest is the newest and craziest race to hit the nation! Smiling and running don’t usually go hand in hand but the 5K Foam Fest is an amazing mix of foam, mud and obstacles thus making fitness fun. Whether you… more

BODIES…The Exhibition and Titanic The Experience

Date: Saturday, August 17, 2013

Time: 10:00 AM to 10:00 PM

Venue: Movieland Wax Museum, Buena Park, CA

Address: 7711 Beach Blvd.,Buena Park,CA, 90620

Website: http://www.BuenaParkExhibitions.com

BODIES…The Exhibition brings guests face to face with the miraculous machine we call the human body, showcasing real, full-body specimens and organs that provide a three-dimensional vision of the human form. Titanic The Experience allows visitors to… more

52nd Annual Watermelon Festival

Date: Saturday, August 17, 2013

Time: 10:00 AM to 10:00 PM

Venue: Pasadena Rose Bowl, Alhambra, CA

Address: Main Street,Alhambra,CA, 91103

Website: http://lionswatermelonfestival.com/

A family oriented community festival hosted by the Sunland-Tujunga Lions Club to raise money for charitable and service activities. It features free entertainment, international food, marketplace, beer, free cold watermelon and drawings. There are… more

Flights & Sounds Summer Festival

Date: Saturday, August 17, 2013

Time: 6:00 PM to 9:00 PM

Venue: Orange County Great Park, Irvine, CA

Address: 6950 Marine way,Irvine,CA, 92618

Website: http://www.ocgp.org/events/flights-sounds-summer-festival/2013-08-10/

The Orange County Great Park is excited to welcome back the sixth annual Flights & Sounds Summer Festival, presenting a diverse lineup of world, ska, reggae, pop and indie artists performing on the Terraced Lawn on Saturday nights, August 10, 17, 24… more

Ribs, Pigs & Watermelon – Beer Festival

Date: Saturday, August 17, 2013

Time: 12:00 PM to 10:00 PM

Venue: Huntington Beach Pier, Huntington Beach, CA

Address: 400 Pacific Coast Hwy.,Huntington Beach,CA, 90809

Website: http://www.rpwbbq.com

The weekend of August 16th thru 18th beach goers will have the chance to revel in enjoyment of professionally prepared BBQ treats, craft beers and ice cold watermelon in Huntington Beach. American Family Housing will be hosting their 2nd annual… more

 Sunday Aug. 18, 2013

Los Angeles TME Fashion Show

Date: Sunday, August 18, 2013

Time: 2:00 PM

Venue: Edge Grip Studio, Los Angeles, CA

Address: 1188 S. Longwood Ave.,Los Angeles,CA, 90019

Enjoy back to back fashion shows at an intimate studio in mid-city LA. Aside from front row the seats are first come first serve so get there early.

French Quarter Crawfish Boil

Date: Sunday, August 18, 2013

Time: 3:00 PM

Venue: The Other Door, Los Angeles, CA

Address: 10437 Burbank Blvd.,Los Angeles,CA, 91601

Website: http://www.theotherdoorbar.com/calendar/day/20130818/

Its our monthly New Orleans crawfish boil, with all the fixins, refreshing craft beer, and exquisite classic cocktails! Supplies are limited, but crawfish will be reserved for ticketholders – so if you want to be sure to get your share of the… more

5k Foam Fest – Los Angeles 2013

Date: Sunday, August 18, 2013

Time: 6:00 AM

Venue: Los Angeles County Fair, Pomona, CA

Address: 1101 W. McKinley Ave.,Pomona,CA, 91768

Website: http://5kfoamfest.com/Location/Index/18

All Roads Lead To Foam!!! The 5k Foam Fest is the newest and craziest race to hit the nation! Smiling and running don’t usually go hand in hand but the 5K Foam Fest is an amazing mix of foam, mud and obstacles thus making fitness fun. Whether you… more

Kid Ink & Dorrough Live

Date: Sunday, August 18, 2013

Time: 10:00 PM

Venue: Playhouse Hollywood, Los Angeles, CA

Address: 6506 Hollywood Blvd.,Los Angeles,CA, 90028-5444

50th Anniversary MLK Jr. ‘Symphony of Brotherhood’ C…

Date: Sunday, August 18, 2013

Time: 3:00 PM

Venue: Zipper Concert Hall, Los Angeles, CA

Address: 200 S. Grand Ave.,Los Angeles,CA, 90026

Website: http://www.musicuntold.com

Chamber music concert celebrating 50th Anniversary March on Washington for Freedom & Jobs and Dr. King’s “I Have A Dream” speech featuring national and local classical and opera artists. Title of concert,MLK Jr. ‘Symphony of Brotherhood,’is a… more

Fruit Warriors

Date: Sunday, August 18, 2013

Time: 12:00 PM

Venue: Lakeview Park, Orange, CA

Address: 5305 E. Santiago Canyon Rd.,Orange,CA, 92869

Fruit Warriors for more information. Welcome to the biggest fruit fight on Earth! At the world’s first ever premiere assorted fruit battle event, expect the unexpected! – TONS of fruits of all kinds and thousands of warriors to throw them at! – Live… more

The Newport Dunes: Sundays Are For Car Lovers

Date: Sunday, August 18, 2013

Time: 7:00 AM

Venue: Newport Dunes Waterfront Resort & Marina, Newport Beach, CA

Address: 1131 Back Bay Dr.,Newport Beach,CA, 92660

Website: http://www.newportdunes.com/

Every Sunday 7 a.m. – 10 a.m. from April 7th to October 27th the public is invited to the Octane Car show featuring classics, rare productions, exotics, and customs all on the Newport Beach harbor. Also included at the Octane Car show is a fine art display and a fabulous Buffet Brunch at the Back Bay Bistro 9 a.m. to 2 p.m.

Turtle Ridge Sunset Hike

Date: Sunday, August 18, 2013

Time: 6:30 PM to 8:30 PM

Venue: Bommer Canyon Trailhead, Irvine, CA

Address: 6400 Shady Canyon Dr.,Irvine,CA, 92612

Website: http://www.letsgooutside.org/activities

Join us on this 4-mile evening hike to the top of Turtle Ridge for spectacular sunset views of the Pacific coastline, central Orange County, and surrounding mountains.

Squares Need Not Apply!

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I have only been in a handful of relationships and only one has lasted longer than six months.  Most have been ok but this one really SUCKED.  I always look back at that one and ask myself, WHY? The only positives from that relationship were she lived really close to my college, the pizza spot next door was THEE SHIT, and she had the NFL Network and football season was just starting.  This is sounding really bad but eff it.  The chick was just ok looking, she could not cook, her personality was shitty, neither my mom nor my friends liked her, and the sex was WACK!

That was actually the biggest issue for me. It was so damn boring. I really really love sex so you know it is bad when I’m turning it down.  Even worse, she was having the time of her life. As far as she was concerned the sex was amazing.  I’m adventurous. Let’s do it here, there, and everywhere (I have some stories to tell!). But this woman would not let me touch her outside of the bedroom.  When I say outside of the bedroom, I mean not even on the couch in the living room!  I remember heading back home from San Diego with her and I tried to get my pinky stinky.  This chick looked at me like I was crazy and said someone might see us. WHO CARES?! Those people don’t know us, they will never see us again, and we are driving 75 mph! I really disliked her.  Her life is just stupid.

A square chick will either be a single one or one that gets cheated on.  I didn’t actually cheat on her, but it was on my mind ALL THE TIME. The first and only woman I have ever wanted to cheat on.  I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to break if off ASAP. Anyway, I met a young lady pretty much the same day I broke up with the ex. She was only in town for a week, but in that week she did EVERYTHING I wanted that ex-girlfriend to do. I’m talking sex on the beach BEFORE sunset, head in the parking lot, and yes my pinky got plenty stinky while rolling around the city.

I do not care if you are the finest woman in the world, you cannot be too fine to get nasty for your dude.  That pretty shit means nothing after a while.  Don’t be surprised when your dude is hanging out with that wildebeest because she got that FIYAH that you were lacking. Now I’m not saying you need to be a porn star, but don’t be a damn square.  Attack us once in awhile. Give us some ‘just because’ head. Hey I’m watching TV, and then POW my chick throws my Johnson in her mouth.  That’s the kind of stuff I’m talking about. This doesn’t cost any money and I promise your dude will appreciate the hell out of you.  Step out of that square ass box, watch some porn, and take some notes.

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First Date Nightmares!

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A few people felt like the First Date Guidelines were common sense and I personally feel like they should be. I guess common sense is not all that common these days. Here are some first date horror stories that a few ladies shared with me. This is PROOF that the guidelines were needed!

Here goes the first one.

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“I met this guy at a friend’s birthday party and we exchanged information, he asked if I wanted to watch the Lakers championship finals at ESPN Zone, I was free and agreed to go. Here is where everything starts to go downhill. He said he lived close to the Staple Center and asked if I could pick him up. If I wasn’t so bored this particular day the answer would have been hell no, but I agreed and picked him up. He then directs me to a pay parking lot, I pull in and the parking attendant comes up to the car hands me a ticket and is waiting to be paid. I sat there waiting for my date to get his wallet out to pay, after all he directed me to the damn pay lot, not street parking or somewhere less expensive. He sat there oblivious to what’s going on so I paid the attendant. Once parked we get out the car and he has the nerve to say “oh you paid already?” I wanted to slap the taste out his mouth! We walk into ESPN Zone and we are told since it’s the NBA finals there is minimum $10.00 per person, per hour mandatory special. The hostess and waiter made this very clear, but not to my date who was too busy on his phone to listen. So we order, we eat, and everything is ok. His friend and his date even stop by for a few minutes. The waiter was very cool, he wasn’t sweating us on the $10.00 per person, but after an hour or so he did let us know we needed to order something else or pay the bill and leave. The game was almost over so we decided to pay and leave. This fool looks at the bill and starts sweating bullets; I see the panic all over his face. The check was about $50 and I can see in his wallet he only has a $20 bill. He was like “I’m going to call my boy to come back and let me borrow some money”. It was taking a while for his friend to reply or answer his call, and the waiter kept coming over to collect the check. This idiot sets the $20 with the check and when the waiter comes back around he lets him take it knowing damn well the full amount wasn’t there. The waiter comes back like “I need the remaining balance”. At this point I’m embarrassed and ready to go. I grab the check and put my credit card down. When the waiter brings me my receipt I leave a nice tip and write an apology. My date sees what I’m writing and says how he owes me and will pay me back, etc. As we leave I turn to the waiter and mouth “I’m sorry”. He looks at me with pity and was like “its ok”. Once back to my car this fool is trying to cupcake and even tried to get a kiss in, uh no! I told him I couldn’t drop him off and left. After that night he kept calling and texting trying to make up for that night and of course he got ignored.”

First of all this guy is the ultimate loser.  He is really just failing at life.  I just don’t get this dude. Why didn’t he just say meet me there since he stays near Staple Center? WHY go on the date in the first place if you’re broke?! And WHAT THE FUCK was he thinking when he put that 20 dollar bill in there knowing that it wasn’t going to cover the check?!  I really wish I could have been sitting at the table next to them watching this all go down.  The signs were there from the start.  He asked to get picked up and then doesn’t even pay for parking!  After all this he still tries go get some affection.  Gotta love his short term memory. Dude didn’t give two fucks about being probably the worst date this woman’s ever had because he was still gonna try to get one in.

Another story from a ‘horrible first date’ victim.

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“I agreed to go on a date with this handsome guy I recently met at a local bar.  I had started to feel under the weather, but really didn’t want to cancel.  I let him know that it may be best to postpone so that he doesn’t get ill , but he assured me he would be very happy to see me for as long as I was willing.  He was having a dinner party with random friends later that evening.   

I went pre-party, as I was feeling worse and worse by the hour, and to also avoid having to meet any of this friends on a first date, esp while I was feeling like crap.  Initially, he really pulled out all the stops.  Made me fresh tea.  Soup.  All the get-better-soon fixins’ – and all while he is preparing this feast for his friends.  A gentleman and he can cook?  I was impressed.  

Fast-forward a couple of hours and some meds and tea (I brought the meds, I think it was Dayquil) he is taking a break as food simmers and sits by me and we are chatting.  He goes in to kiss me.  Initially, I use the excuse of “I’m sick” again.  He responds with “I don’t care”.  (Yes, the no-no list is getting longer – but in my defense, I hadn’t had a kiss quite some time, and it was yummy.)   This kiss is very soon a pretty heavy make out session.  I am a tad lightheaded (yes it was good but not that good, remember I was sick), so I sort of pull away to catch my breath.  He gets up from his seat next to me, and walks away while complimenting me on my lips and kissing ability.  I use his getting up, as my queue to politely exit – its gone WAY further than any first date I’d prefer. 

I don’t know where he went however, but we are talking through the walls.  I tell him I am feeling pretty badly, I think I am going to leave. 

He returns to the living room with his pants off.  Underwear off.  Dick hard and out.  “You sure you want to leave all this??”

WHAT?!! WHO SAYS THAT??

I felt like I’d def contributed to the confusion, so I didn’t go off (although that was so MANY things), and I just said “Yeah No.  I’m good.  I’m def not going there.”  So he says, “OK lets just masturbate together.” 

Man, if you could have been in my head at that moment.  

It ended pretty well for him.  As soon as he’d said it, he literally started jacking off.  After I realized I was not hallucinating, I began collecting my things.  He was still going.  By the time I hit the door, he was done. 

WHO DOES THAT??

And yes, I cut that fool off.  This is not a porn movie dumb ass.”  

This is so HILARIOUS! I’m with you my friend, WHO DOES THAT?! There were quite a few first date crimes committed here. She should NOT have gone to his house. This is not a good move on the first date or even for the first few dates. If you go to a guy’s house on the first date he is probably thinking there is a pretty good chance that he may end up pouncing that night.  I didn’t really touch on kissing but if you do, it should at least happen at the end of the date.   Making out a little bit on the couch is still no excuse for him coming out of the room porno style on you.  I guess I’m not too mad at the dude. Sometimes you just have to take a shot and I must say this fool shot from half court on this one.  Fuckin idiot.

He is our last victim but honestly she should take the blame for this one.

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“I had to let you know about the worst first date EVER! I met this guy through a mutual friend. He was really handsome and seemed really cool. He asked me out to the movies and I was all for it. I will never forget this night! This idiot showed up at my door for our first date totally drunk. When I opened the door he could barely stand straight and was slurring. I should have shut it down right then and there, but for some reason I agreed to go to the movies with this fool and five minutes into the movie he was knocked out, snoring and everything. Needless to say that was our first and LAST date.”

This is really really bad. This one is full of first date NO NOs. I have to blame her for this one.  Why why why did she accept to go to the movies?! That was going to be a bad date even if he was sober.  Then he arrives at her home completely sauced! Why did she continue with this date after seeing him in that condition?  Should of just closed the door in his face and turned on a good movie.  We already know he ain’t shit but I must say I’m pretty disappointed in her.  Hope you have learned your lesson and always refer back to the guidelines.

Where It All Began

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ImageThe girl, it is all about the girl. And not just that one girl, we want them all. Since day one we were told that’s what it’s about. We were told this by our brothers, cousins, friends, and even our fathers.  I was barely 10 years old when my older cousins were asking me, “Joey, you get you some pussy yet?”  When I felt that question was coming, my stomach started cramping up with anxiety and embarrassment.  I remember wanting to run away every time it was asked.  I was only fucking 10!!! Hell no I hadn’t tapped any ass yet.  In the beginning, I was ok with saying, no.  But when I turned 12 it was no longer ok to be a virgin. Oh boy was this some pressure.  I always knew when that damn question was coming.  At 12 I just went ahead and started lying. I learned early that you must have those lies straight because you are going to have to tell at least five more. You are also going to have to come up with some names and a legitimate reason why you can’t call that girl to confirm that you got them cakes. My lies SUCKED but I did what a real man does and I stuck to them! My cousins knew I was lying my ass off. But I kept those lies coming. I would like to apologize to Tanisha, Aja, Danielle, and Ebony because I had sex with all y’all in the 8th grade according to the stories I told my big cousins.

My cousins were so hard on me that when the questions came from my peers, lying was a piece of cake. I would say things like; “Hell yeah I’m fuckin. My girl goes to Palisades and the other one goes to Hamilton.” You always had to pick a school that was just far enough away from your school so that no one you told this lie to had any connections at these schools. And if they did know someone there, you better be ready for some follow up lies.  All I knew at this time was that being a man meant fucking the most girls, period.  It was all about getting the cat. This pursuit ran my life! This is all my boys and I ever talked about. Some of them were getting it, but my best friend Kevin and I surely were not. We couldn’t get a break! The girls were letting us do everything but STICK THE TIP IN! I still remember my fingers cramping up hoping that this would eventually lead to me officially dropping my membership in the “dry dick gang”.

This chase was real. The thing that really sucked was we were actually pretty popular. Well Kevin was way more popular than me. But since I was his best friend I was destined to get some sidekick ass, right?  And BOOM that is exactly what happened.  We were 18 (yes, I did not lose my virginity until I was 18 so eat a fat one) and by this time Kevin had already knocked down a couple girls.  I, on the other hand, used my other hand.  I can’t tell you how tired I was of lying about not being a virgin?! Anyway, one of the girls Kevin was dating had that trusty ol’ sidekick.  He was house-sitting for his god mother and he got his chick and her sidekick to come through and stay the night with us. Little miss fast ass, hot in the pants (double standards are here to stay so deal with it) didn’t know me at all but as long as I was cute she was down.  Kevin and I knew my time had come! I finally got my first piece of tang! Wooohooo! I felt so free. The details of the actual night are for another entry. Just know I was super wack, it was over in seconds, and it was the start of the lame dick excuses. Now this didn’t really get the ball rolling too much. I wasn’t knocking them down left and right. I was getting some every few months, which is crazy because I’d lose it if I went longer than a couple weeks without some now. Now that I had finally experienced what I had been lying about for years, the chase was truly on. I may have only been getting some every few months, but damn I was putting in some crazy effort to get the girl or girls. That’s what being a man is all about, right?

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When Giving The Good D is a MUST!

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The reality is sometimes we are just trying to get a nut!  Wearing that championship belt* just is not on our agenda every night.  On those “very rare” occurrences (I PUTS IN WORK most of the time) we really don’t give two shits what y’all think of us. We are probably just trying to go to sleep anyway so give us a damn break.  There does come a time when you have to jump in that phone booth, come out with that S on your chest, and give that woman the good D.

If this is someone you are dating and it’s your first time being intimate with her then of course it’s championship belt time. You better stand over it like Ric Flair!  The other time it’s an absolute MUST is when she knows all your people.  You don’t want it going around town your pound game is trash. You want your name hitting the streets like you are giving that Zane Sex Chronicles PEEN.

STORY TIME!!!

A few years ago my older cousin was having a party and I was introduced to her friend who just happened to have one of the biggest asses EVER.  I’m talkin video vixen country cakers! Anyway, I was not really interested but she was on me tough.  I really just wanted to go home and sleep but that damn peer pressure and those damn older cousins of mine (still influencing my life 15 years later).  I’m trying to ignore the girl’s advances but one cousin after another is getting in my ear telling me I need to take that down.  I then thought to myself, “Hey Joe, maybe you can get some heady out of this chick because it has definitely been a minute.”  Sooo 5 minutes after that thought she is following me back to the crib.

My agenda: some head and a quick nut so she could take her ass home.  She was ready to get straight to business but I stopped her, “I’m gonna need some head before we get to it.”  This broad had the audacity to tell me not only does she not give head but she has never given head!  I wanted to drop kick her in her esophagus, not because I wanted head that bad, but because I knew she was fucking lying! I didn’t really wanna have sex with her so I called her bluff and told her if I didn’t get any head then it wasn’t going down.  Of course she gave in (lying slutball), and I must say it was some of the best head ever.  Now it was time to get it in and I wanted to get this over QUICK.  That is when it hit me that my cousins were going to hear all about this.  Change of plans! Time to put on that Cape and the Championship Belt. Had to give her that GOOD D!  Folks I tore that ass up. I was actually too good and it bit me on the ass. This occurred around 4am and she was already giving my cousin a report by 8am.  This chick made me sound like a porn star which is cool with me, but then she started talking about she might end up becoming the Mrs! Ummm get yo crazy ass out of here. But it had to be done. The fam needed to know little cousin was beastin and they better not forget it. My rep was intact! It actually took a minute to shake her crazy ass. Sheesh that was scary. The gift and the curse of the GOOD D folks.