Tag Archives: oral sex

Do it anywhere!

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Your relationship is stale. You are having sex once every couple of weeks.  When you do have sex it’s like a chore.  Routines fucking SUCK so get out of them. You guys need to try something new. You need a really good kickstart.  I don’t mean some regular punk ass date night. No wack ass dinner and a movie.  Plan a date of public fucking! No picnic unless you’re gonna do it right there in the park. No long walk on the beach unless you’re gonna end up with sand particles on your genitals (sex on the beach is dope but sand in your ass crack sucks). 

This is the spark you need. It is time to get adventurous and spontaneous. It will start as a plan but next thing you know you will be pouncing everywhere.  I have done this before and it is definitely in my top 5 dates.  This is the plan, you guys have to agree on about 5 places to try to get it on.  Of course you don’t want to get caught but the fact that you might makes it even better.  If you’re a little nervous about trying this then start with places you are less likely to get caught.  Even though you probably won’t get caught, you still know someone could possibly be watching or at least be taking notice that you were being naughty.  Some safer places are the beach really late at night or those lookouts that you’ve seen on all the high school movies where kids are trying to get their freak on.

For those who want to step it up lets do this!  This means you can’t give a fuck.  Pick a place and do it. We are breaking laws here folks and we just don’t give a damn.  Elevator- SMASHIN. Stairwell- SMASHIN. Drive thru- SMASHIN.  Ok so we decided to get a bite to eat.  OOPS your napkin fell under table.  Babygirl I think you need to pick that up…HEADY TIME!  Be open, be free, and have some fun.  Your partner is going to look extremely sexy to you after this date night, I promise. 

Here is a list of some other public options that you might wanna try out:

Baseball Diamond: I’m trying to dig her out in the dugout!

Movies: Of course! This where you were trying to get it on when you were still living with your parents. Be a kid again!

Random Restrooms: I’m talking hotels, restaurants, etc. Yeah the thought is a bit unsanitary but it’s still a good time.

College Library: Definitely not gonna work during finals week.

Tennis Court: Bend her ass over the net!

Department Store Dressing Rooms: Babe, how do these pants look on me?? WHAM! In there.  One of the easiest spots.

College Classroom: There is always an empty college classroom with an open door. You can earn that grade in there!

Cemetary: Creepy as fuck but I’m down.

Rooftops: Pick one! I know a couple I need to try out. Think about that view while you are pounding cakes.

Drive In: I really hope you’ve done this before but if you haven’t you’re welcome.

Forest: I live in LA so there aren’t too many of these but if you live near one go ahead and knock that out.

Parking Garage: If it’s the top floor then bend her over the hood.

Parks: On the swing, slide, monkey bars, etc. Make sure you don’t bring your kids to that same park!

Lifeguard Tower: They’ve been locking them lately, sad face.

Airplane: MILE HIGH CLUB BABY!!!!

Bleachers: Bring some cushions!

If you have more spots, leave them in my comments.   

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When Giving The Good D is a MUST!

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Ric Flair

The reality is sometimes we are just trying to get a nut!  Wearing that championship belt* just is not on our agenda every night.  On those “very rare” occurrences (I PUTS IN WORK most of the time) we really don’t give two shits what y’all think of us. We are probably just trying to go to sleep anyway so give us a damn break.  There does come a time when you have to jump in that phone booth, come out with that S on your chest, and give that woman the good D.

If this is someone you are dating and it’s your first time being intimate with her then of course it’s championship belt time. You better stand over it like Ric Flair!  The other time it’s an absolute MUST is when she knows all your people.  You don’t want it going around town your pound game is trash. You want your name hitting the streets like you are giving that Zane Sex Chronicles PEEN.

STORY TIME!!!

A few years ago my older cousin was having a party and I was introduced to her friend who just happened to have one of the biggest asses EVER.  I’m talkin video vixen country cakers! Anyway, I was not really interested but she was on me tough.  I really just wanted to go home and sleep but that damn peer pressure and those damn older cousins of mine (still influencing my life 15 years later).  I’m trying to ignore the girl’s advances but one cousin after another is getting in my ear telling me I need to take that down.  I then thought to myself, “Hey Joe, maybe you can get some heady out of this chick because it has definitely been a minute.”  Sooo 5 minutes after that thought she is following me back to the crib.

My agenda: some head and a quick nut so she could take her ass home.  She was ready to get straight to business but I stopped her, “I’m gonna need some head before we get to it.”  This broad had the audacity to tell me not only does she not give head but she has never given head!  I wanted to drop kick her in her esophagus, not because I wanted head that bad, but because I knew she was fucking lying! I didn’t really wanna have sex with her so I called her bluff and told her if I didn’t get any head then it wasn’t going down.  Of course she gave in (lying slutball), and I must say it was some of the best head ever.  Now it was time to get it in and I wanted to get this over QUICK.  That is when it hit me that my cousins were going to hear all about this.  Change of plans! Time to put on that Cape and the Championship Belt. Had to give her that GOOD D!  Folks I tore that ass up. I was actually too good and it bit me on the ass. This occurred around 4am and she was already giving my cousin a report by 8am.  This chick made me sound like a porn star which is cool with me, but then she started talking about she might end up becoming the Mrs! Ummm get yo crazy ass out of here. But it had to be done. The fam needed to know little cousin was beastin and they better not forget it. My rep was intact! It actually took a minute to shake her crazy ass. Sheesh that was scary. The gift and the curse of the GOOD D folks.