Tag Archives: women

Let Them Go!

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First I want to apologize for the long hiatus. By the look of things my wisdom has been needed. I see so many of y’all making stupid ass dating mistakes. You could have just gone to my archives to get a lesson or two. Get it together people! Well I’m back and I promise to be more consistent. You’re welcome.

I am not gonna lie to you folks, I don’t think I have ever been in love. I have loved in a caring type of way but never the romantic love. And I am still not even sure what that is. Most of you don’t know what it is either (infatuated fuckers). Anyway, a few of my ex girlfriends (actually 2) have meant a lot to me. This means I actually give a fuck about their lives. Like if they are stuck somewhere in my convenient radius then I will come scoop em up with no problem. I’ll even accept their collect calls if they get locked up (hopefully someone smuggles them a cell phone so we can text because I hate talking on the phone). But most importantly I would never play with their emotions. So having sex with them is not an option for me. While I can just view the sex as only an orgasm, they may look deeper into it and see potentially rekindling a relationship. Even if she says she only wants sex, DO NOT DO IT! Unless you think the sex is worth losing someone you care about or them hating your guts, PLEASE let them go.

Maturity comes with experience. I sound like I have it all figured out now but years ago it was all about the poon. I didn’t give a damn about anyone’s feelings, I wanted them cakes! I have definitely told a woman I loved her to get some ass. I am NOT proud of this at all. That one I actually truly regret. The woman forgave me people so please stop your judging IMMEDIATELY. Another regret was using an ex that meant so much to me for sex. We had been broken up for a couple months and I had no intention of giving up my newly acquired freedom anytime soon. BUT I still wanted that ass. I knew she still loved me and I used that. I took advantage of her. One day she finally realized my only objective was my own selfish satisfaction and I became dirt to her. She could not understand how a man that once meant everything to her could completely disregard her feelings and emotions for a fucking nut. She was hurt, disappointed, and hated me. I felt like shit. It took a few years but we eventually became good friends again. I’ve made sure I never did that to another woman that I truly cared about.

It is not easy. We are men and we are driven by the vag. I had a buddy that was dating this young lady for a while. She wanted a relationship while he was fine with just sex and occasionally hanging out. The problem was they were friends and he really did care about her. My boy just wasn’t ready for commitment at the time. He was not willing to give her what she wanted so he needed to shut it down and stop wasting her time. He had a hard time doing this. He was comfortable with her, the sex was great, and like I said, he really did like her. Now he did tell her he wasn’t ready for a committed relationship, BUT he knew she had a weakness for him. She was in a stage of hope. While in that stage he could throw a rock at her and she’ll get excited. She is looking for any sign to hold on to that hope. I told him if he cared about her he must let her go, completely. He eventually let her go but there was a lot of damage done.

So basically don’t be a selfish asshole to people that you love. Go masturbate or get you a fuck buddy (check out ‘fuck buddy rules’ in the archives). That orgasm is not worth hurting someone you care about, believe me. If she is constantly throwing it at you, this is not the time to get your Jerry Rice on. Fellas, think Neo in the Matrix and dodge all that. Loyal and dependable individuals are hard to come by, so cherish them. On another note, I’m back in this thang heaux! So leave comments and share. If you have topics you want me to touch on leave those in the comments as well.

Can’t Turn a Hoe Into a Husband??? FALSE!

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I’m sure many of you have seen the ecards and memes with the phrase “Can’t turn a hoe into a husband either.” This is complete bullshit so if you have ever posted, liked, or agreed with this crap I question your intelligence.  First of all, women please stop trying to compare yourselves to men when it comes to sexual relations. We were groomed for this type of transition and you were not.  There are gender double standards and they are not going anywhere. This is why this phrase is ridiculous and false.

Guys step out the womb ready to rock out with our cocks out! From a young age we are encouraged to be on the hunt for women. The older males in our lives have always pushed us to play the field and try to poke any and everything moving. Even our own mothers and grandmothers don’t want us getting caught up in relationships too early. As a kid my male cousins and I would get asked by our aunts “how many girlfriends y’all got?”  They knew it was in our nature to chase.  It has always been ok for us to have multiple women in our younger years.  It is not until we hit maybe our late 20s that the “when are you going to settle down?” question pops up.  Now think about that for a second. This is a question that men are always asked, but have you ever heard of a woman being asked that question?  It just does not happen.  It is assumed and expected that we are going to be running around in the streets chasing tail.  Give us the threesomes, foursomes, and fivesomes. We want as many women as we can handle, but it is also assumed and expected that we will eventually grow tired of that lifestyle and decide to find that special lady. 

On the other hand, women are taught to only let the special ones take it down.  While guys were trying to lose their virginity to just about any chick that would let us, girls were trying to hold on to their virginity until they came across that “special” guy (I bet none of ya’ll think he was that special now).  We are over here trying to hit Wilt Chamberlain numbers while women are trying their best not to hit double digits too soon.  The women that do not really follow these standards are deemed unworthy of marriage by many other women and men as well (that means she’s a hoe for all those wondering). It is completely frowned upon for a woman to be tossing her vagina around like Tom Brady (runs a spread offense and passes to multiple receivers, just in case you didn’t get that).  These women are considered the “hoes” that should not be made into housewives.  Those standards don’t apply to men so that phrase will never fit us. It’s a losing battle ladies so give it up. 

Quite a few of my male friends have settled down and gotten married over the last few years.  I look up to these fellas because they are really great husbands.  They are faithful, selfless, and responsible men that have set great examples for guys like me who have not decided to throw in the towel just yet.  Now I’m saying all that to say this, MOST (not all!) were smashing or at least trying to smash every pretty face or big ass when they were single. Some of these guys were really doing their thing, but in time they shut it down.  We were built for this and y’all aren’t. So please stop it with that dumb ass phrase because you’re probably going to marry a hoe and that hoe is going to treat you like a queen.  You’re welcome!

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First Date Nightmares!

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A few people felt like the First Date Guidelines were common sense and I personally feel like they should be. I guess common sense is not all that common these days. Here are some first date horror stories that a few ladies shared with me. This is PROOF that the guidelines were needed!

Here goes the first one.

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“I met this guy at a friend’s birthday party and we exchanged information, he asked if I wanted to watch the Lakers championship finals at ESPN Zone, I was free and agreed to go. Here is where everything starts to go downhill. He said he lived close to the Staple Center and asked if I could pick him up. If I wasn’t so bored this particular day the answer would have been hell no, but I agreed and picked him up. He then directs me to a pay parking lot, I pull in and the parking attendant comes up to the car hands me a ticket and is waiting to be paid. I sat there waiting for my date to get his wallet out to pay, after all he directed me to the damn pay lot, not street parking or somewhere less expensive. He sat there oblivious to what’s going on so I paid the attendant. Once parked we get out the car and he has the nerve to say “oh you paid already?” I wanted to slap the taste out his mouth! We walk into ESPN Zone and we are told since it’s the NBA finals there is minimum $10.00 per person, per hour mandatory special. The hostess and waiter made this very clear, but not to my date who was too busy on his phone to listen. So we order, we eat, and everything is ok. His friend and his date even stop by for a few minutes. The waiter was very cool, he wasn’t sweating us on the $10.00 per person, but after an hour or so he did let us know we needed to order something else or pay the bill and leave. The game was almost over so we decided to pay and leave. This fool looks at the bill and starts sweating bullets; I see the panic all over his face. The check was about $50 and I can see in his wallet he only has a $20 bill. He was like “I’m going to call my boy to come back and let me borrow some money”. It was taking a while for his friend to reply or answer his call, and the waiter kept coming over to collect the check. This idiot sets the $20 with the check and when the waiter comes back around he lets him take it knowing damn well the full amount wasn’t there. The waiter comes back like “I need the remaining balance”. At this point I’m embarrassed and ready to go. I grab the check and put my credit card down. When the waiter brings me my receipt I leave a nice tip and write an apology. My date sees what I’m writing and says how he owes me and will pay me back, etc. As we leave I turn to the waiter and mouth “I’m sorry”. He looks at me with pity and was like “its ok”. Once back to my car this fool is trying to cupcake and even tried to get a kiss in, uh no! I told him I couldn’t drop him off and left. After that night he kept calling and texting trying to make up for that night and of course he got ignored.”

First of all this guy is the ultimate loser.  He is really just failing at life.  I just don’t get this dude. Why didn’t he just say meet me there since he stays near Staple Center? WHY go on the date in the first place if you’re broke?! And WHAT THE FUCK was he thinking when he put that 20 dollar bill in there knowing that it wasn’t going to cover the check?!  I really wish I could have been sitting at the table next to them watching this all go down.  The signs were there from the start.  He asked to get picked up and then doesn’t even pay for parking!  After all this he still tries go get some affection.  Gotta love his short term memory. Dude didn’t give two fucks about being probably the worst date this woman’s ever had because he was still gonna try to get one in.

Another story from a ‘horrible first date’ victim.

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“I agreed to go on a date with this handsome guy I recently met at a local bar.  I had started to feel under the weather, but really didn’t want to cancel.  I let him know that it may be best to postpone so that he doesn’t get ill , but he assured me he would be very happy to see me for as long as I was willing.  He was having a dinner party with random friends later that evening.   

I went pre-party, as I was feeling worse and worse by the hour, and to also avoid having to meet any of this friends on a first date, esp while I was feeling like crap.  Initially, he really pulled out all the stops.  Made me fresh tea.  Soup.  All the get-better-soon fixins’ – and all while he is preparing this feast for his friends.  A gentleman and he can cook?  I was impressed.  

Fast-forward a couple of hours and some meds and tea (I brought the meds, I think it was Dayquil) he is taking a break as food simmers and sits by me and we are chatting.  He goes in to kiss me.  Initially, I use the excuse of “I’m sick” again.  He responds with “I don’t care”.  (Yes, the no-no list is getting longer – but in my defense, I hadn’t had a kiss quite some time, and it was yummy.)   This kiss is very soon a pretty heavy make out session.  I am a tad lightheaded (yes it was good but not that good, remember I was sick), so I sort of pull away to catch my breath.  He gets up from his seat next to me, and walks away while complimenting me on my lips and kissing ability.  I use his getting up, as my queue to politely exit – its gone WAY further than any first date I’d prefer. 

I don’t know where he went however, but we are talking through the walls.  I tell him I am feeling pretty badly, I think I am going to leave. 

He returns to the living room with his pants off.  Underwear off.  Dick hard and out.  “You sure you want to leave all this??”

WHAT?!! WHO SAYS THAT??

I felt like I’d def contributed to the confusion, so I didn’t go off (although that was so MANY things), and I just said “Yeah No.  I’m good.  I’m def not going there.”  So he says, “OK lets just masturbate together.” 

Man, if you could have been in my head at that moment.  

It ended pretty well for him.  As soon as he’d said it, he literally started jacking off.  After I realized I was not hallucinating, I began collecting my things.  He was still going.  By the time I hit the door, he was done. 

WHO DOES THAT??

And yes, I cut that fool off.  This is not a porn movie dumb ass.”  

This is so HILARIOUS! I’m with you my friend, WHO DOES THAT?! There were quite a few first date crimes committed here. She should NOT have gone to his house. This is not a good move on the first date or even for the first few dates. If you go to a guy’s house on the first date he is probably thinking there is a pretty good chance that he may end up pouncing that night.  I didn’t really touch on kissing but if you do, it should at least happen at the end of the date.   Making out a little bit on the couch is still no excuse for him coming out of the room porno style on you.  I guess I’m not too mad at the dude. Sometimes you just have to take a shot and I must say this fool shot from half court on this one.  Fuckin idiot.

He is our last victim but honestly she should take the blame for this one.

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“I had to let you know about the worst first date EVER! I met this guy through a mutual friend. He was really handsome and seemed really cool. He asked me out to the movies and I was all for it. I will never forget this night! This idiot showed up at my door for our first date totally drunk. When I opened the door he could barely stand straight and was slurring. I should have shut it down right then and there, but for some reason I agreed to go to the movies with this fool and five minutes into the movie he was knocked out, snoring and everything. Needless to say that was our first and LAST date.”

This is really really bad. This one is full of first date NO NOs. I have to blame her for this one.  Why why why did she accept to go to the movies?! That was going to be a bad date even if he was sober.  Then he arrives at her home completely sauced! Why did she continue with this date after seeing him in that condition?  Should of just closed the door in his face and turned on a good movie.  We already know he ain’t shit but I must say I’m pretty disappointed in her.  Hope you have learned your lesson and always refer back to the guidelines.

Where It All Began

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ImageThe girl, it is all about the girl. And not just that one girl, we want them all. Since day one we were told that’s what it’s about. We were told this by our brothers, cousins, friends, and even our fathers.  I was barely 10 years old when my older cousins were asking me, “Joey, you get you some pussy yet?”  When I felt that question was coming, my stomach started cramping up with anxiety and embarrassment.  I remember wanting to run away every time it was asked.  I was only fucking 10!!! Hell no I hadn’t tapped any ass yet.  In the beginning, I was ok with saying, no.  But when I turned 12 it was no longer ok to be a virgin. Oh boy was this some pressure.  I always knew when that damn question was coming.  At 12 I just went ahead and started lying. I learned early that you must have those lies straight because you are going to have to tell at least five more. You are also going to have to come up with some names and a legitimate reason why you can’t call that girl to confirm that you got them cakes. My lies SUCKED but I did what a real man does and I stuck to them! My cousins knew I was lying my ass off. But I kept those lies coming. I would like to apologize to Tanisha, Aja, Danielle, and Ebony because I had sex with all y’all in the 8th grade according to the stories I told my big cousins.

My cousins were so hard on me that when the questions came from my peers, lying was a piece of cake. I would say things like; “Hell yeah I’m fuckin. My girl goes to Palisades and the other one goes to Hamilton.” You always had to pick a school that was just far enough away from your school so that no one you told this lie to had any connections at these schools. And if they did know someone there, you better be ready for some follow up lies.  All I knew at this time was that being a man meant fucking the most girls, period.  It was all about getting the cat. This pursuit ran my life! This is all my boys and I ever talked about. Some of them were getting it, but my best friend Kevin and I surely were not. We couldn’t get a break! The girls were letting us do everything but STICK THE TIP IN! I still remember my fingers cramping up hoping that this would eventually lead to me officially dropping my membership in the “dry dick gang”.

This chase was real. The thing that really sucked was we were actually pretty popular. Well Kevin was way more popular than me. But since I was his best friend I was destined to get some sidekick ass, right?  And BOOM that is exactly what happened.  We were 18 (yes, I did not lose my virginity until I was 18 so eat a fat one) and by this time Kevin had already knocked down a couple girls.  I, on the other hand, used my other hand.  I can’t tell you how tired I was of lying about not being a virgin?! Anyway, one of the girls Kevin was dating had that trusty ol’ sidekick.  He was house-sitting for his god mother and he got his chick and her sidekick to come through and stay the night with us. Little miss fast ass, hot in the pants (double standards are here to stay so deal with it) didn’t know me at all but as long as I was cute she was down.  Kevin and I knew my time had come! I finally got my first piece of tang! Wooohooo! I felt so free. The details of the actual night are for another entry. Just know I was super wack, it was over in seconds, and it was the start of the lame dick excuses. Now this didn’t really get the ball rolling too much. I wasn’t knocking them down left and right. I was getting some every few months, which is crazy because I’d lose it if I went longer than a couple weeks without some now. Now that I had finally experienced what I had been lying about for years, the chase was truly on. I may have only been getting some every few months, but damn I was putting in some crazy effort to get the girl or girls. That’s what being a man is all about, right?

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When Giving The Good D is a MUST!

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The reality is sometimes we are just trying to get a nut!  Wearing that championship belt* just is not on our agenda every night.  On those “very rare” occurrences (I PUTS IN WORK most of the time) we really don’t give two shits what y’all think of us. We are probably just trying to go to sleep anyway so give us a damn break.  There does come a time when you have to jump in that phone booth, come out with that S on your chest, and give that woman the good D.

If this is someone you are dating and it’s your first time being intimate with her then of course it’s championship belt time. You better stand over it like Ric Flair!  The other time it’s an absolute MUST is when she knows all your people.  You don’t want it going around town your pound game is trash. You want your name hitting the streets like you are giving that Zane Sex Chronicles PEEN.

STORY TIME!!!

A few years ago my older cousin was having a party and I was introduced to her friend who just happened to have one of the biggest asses EVER.  I’m talkin video vixen country cakers! Anyway, I was not really interested but she was on me tough.  I really just wanted to go home and sleep but that damn peer pressure and those damn older cousins of mine (still influencing my life 15 years later).  I’m trying to ignore the girl’s advances but one cousin after another is getting in my ear telling me I need to take that down.  I then thought to myself, “Hey Joe, maybe you can get some heady out of this chick because it has definitely been a minute.”  Sooo 5 minutes after that thought she is following me back to the crib.

My agenda: some head and a quick nut so she could take her ass home.  She was ready to get straight to business but I stopped her, “I’m gonna need some head before we get to it.”  This broad had the audacity to tell me not only does she not give head but she has never given head!  I wanted to drop kick her in her esophagus, not because I wanted head that bad, but because I knew she was fucking lying! I didn’t really wanna have sex with her so I called her bluff and told her if I didn’t get any head then it wasn’t going down.  Of course she gave in (lying slutball), and I must say it was some of the best head ever.  Now it was time to get it in and I wanted to get this over QUICK.  That is when it hit me that my cousins were going to hear all about this.  Change of plans! Time to put on that Cape and the Championship Belt. Had to give her that GOOD D!  Folks I tore that ass up. I was actually too good and it bit me on the ass. This occurred around 4am and she was already giving my cousin a report by 8am.  This chick made me sound like a porn star which is cool with me, but then she started talking about she might end up becoming the Mrs! Ummm get yo crazy ass out of here. But it had to be done. The fam needed to know little cousin was beastin and they better not forget it. My rep was intact! It actually took a minute to shake her crazy ass. Sheesh that was scary. The gift and the curse of the GOOD D folks.