Tag Archives: Championship Belt

You’re so cute puppies look at you on the internet!

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Love-Letter-5-Gajus-Images-Deposit-600x400

Dear Love,

I really like you. I know you say you are too young to like boys but when it comes to love, it overcomes everything. I know you think I am annoying and a fool, but I am a fool for you. Since I fall a lot, do you have a Band-Aid? If you don’t it’s alright, I just scrape my knee falling for you. When I see you, it’s like an earthquake or did you rock my world? When you sneeze I would say God bless you, but it looks like he did already. You are so hot even the leaves fall for you. You’re so cute puppies look at you on the internet. You are really nice. When I am sad, you make me happy. I don’t know what I would do without you. You are probably going to say no, but will you go couple skating with me? We don’t have to hold hands. Well now you know how I feel.

This is a real love letter from a 10 year old boy to the daughter of a friend of mine. First of all this kid is either going to be a killer with the ladies or he is going to be one devoted man to one special lady. I would love to say the game is strong but I truly believe that he sincerely meant every single word in this letter. He needs to start writing poems, songs, or greeting cards because his hyperbole game is off the charts. When I first read this letter I thought it was the best love letter ever written. The kid said “When you sneeze I would say God bless you, but it looks like he did already.” It doesn’t get much better than that. I shared this letter with everyone I knew. It was just so hilarious and heartfelt! Only recently did it hit me that I don’t know too many men that would ever put themselves out there like this. Personally never would I ever do anything like this. My thinking was I’m way too cool and tough for some shit like this. But to be honest, the one who expresses his true feelings is actually the brave one.

We have all been there! You met a woman who opened your eyes to a whole new world. Everything about her grabbed your attention. From her walk, to her laugh, to how her eyes opened just a little wider when she was truly interested in your take on a particular subject. For once you paid attention to everything about a woman. You’re fuckin hooked! The woman could damn near get y’all in a car accident, but you’re just thinking how cute it is that her ass can’t drive for shit (and that you’ll be doing majority of the driving here on out). You want to share all these feelings with her. You want to give her all these details because you want to see her face light up with excitement and possibility, BUT YOU’RE FUCKING SCARED!

What if she doesn’t respond the way you hope she does? What if you find out this woman who is making this great impression on you just sees you as another guy? Yo that will fuckin suck monkey balls! It is going to break you down. You’re gonna be sick! This whole time you could have just played it safe and acted like you didn’t give a fuck. You probably still would have at least got some pussy out of it. Hey, that’s what your cool ass has been doing all these years. Why would you change up now?? You change up now because you want a different feeling. You want a different type of satisfaction. You want to be super excited to be doing absolutely nothing with this woman. Her presence is it. The thought of seeing her later that evening is allowing you to walk through the battlefield at work unscathed. Yo take the chance. Show some bravery. It won’t be the end of the world if it doesn’t turn out the way you want. It’s gon hurt like a muthafucka but you’ll be straight. Think about the possibilities if it turns out exactly how you want. Now wouldn’t that be fucking amazing!

 

First Date Nightmares!

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A few people felt like the First Date Guidelines were common sense and I personally feel like they should be. I guess common sense is not all that common these days. Here are some first date horror stories that a few ladies shared with me. This is PROOF that the guidelines were needed!

Here goes the first one.

    Businessman's Empty Wallet Help

“I met this guy at a friend’s birthday party and we exchanged information, he asked if I wanted to watch the Lakers championship finals at ESPN Zone, I was free and agreed to go. Here is where everything starts to go downhill. He said he lived close to the Staple Center and asked if I could pick him up. If I wasn’t so bored this particular day the answer would have been hell no, but I agreed and picked him up. He then directs me to a pay parking lot, I pull in and the parking attendant comes up to the car hands me a ticket and is waiting to be paid. I sat there waiting for my date to get his wallet out to pay, after all he directed me to the damn pay lot, not street parking or somewhere less expensive. He sat there oblivious to what’s going on so I paid the attendant. Once parked we get out the car and he has the nerve to say “oh you paid already?” I wanted to slap the taste out his mouth! We walk into ESPN Zone and we are told since it’s the NBA finals there is minimum $10.00 per person, per hour mandatory special. The hostess and waiter made this very clear, but not to my date who was too busy on his phone to listen. So we order, we eat, and everything is ok. His friend and his date even stop by for a few minutes. The waiter was very cool, he wasn’t sweating us on the $10.00 per person, but after an hour or so he did let us know we needed to order something else or pay the bill and leave. The game was almost over so we decided to pay and leave. This fool looks at the bill and starts sweating bullets; I see the panic all over his face. The check was about $50 and I can see in his wallet he only has a $20 bill. He was like “I’m going to call my boy to come back and let me borrow some money”. It was taking a while for his friend to reply or answer his call, and the waiter kept coming over to collect the check. This idiot sets the $20 with the check and when the waiter comes back around he lets him take it knowing damn well the full amount wasn’t there. The waiter comes back like “I need the remaining balance”. At this point I’m embarrassed and ready to go. I grab the check and put my credit card down. When the waiter brings me my receipt I leave a nice tip and write an apology. My date sees what I’m writing and says how he owes me and will pay me back, etc. As we leave I turn to the waiter and mouth “I’m sorry”. He looks at me with pity and was like “its ok”. Once back to my car this fool is trying to cupcake and even tried to get a kiss in, uh no! I told him I couldn’t drop him off and left. After that night he kept calling and texting trying to make up for that night and of course he got ignored.”

First of all this guy is the ultimate loser.  He is really just failing at life.  I just don’t get this dude. Why didn’t he just say meet me there since he stays near Staple Center? WHY go on the date in the first place if you’re broke?! And WHAT THE FUCK was he thinking when he put that 20 dollar bill in there knowing that it wasn’t going to cover the check?!  I really wish I could have been sitting at the table next to them watching this all go down.  The signs were there from the start.  He asked to get picked up and then doesn’t even pay for parking!  After all this he still tries go get some affection.  Gotta love his short term memory. Dude didn’t give two fucks about being probably the worst date this woman’s ever had because he was still gonna try to get one in.

Another story from a ‘horrible first date’ victim.

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“I agreed to go on a date with this handsome guy I recently met at a local bar.  I had started to feel under the weather, but really didn’t want to cancel.  I let him know that it may be best to postpone so that he doesn’t get ill , but he assured me he would be very happy to see me for as long as I was willing.  He was having a dinner party with random friends later that evening.   

I went pre-party, as I was feeling worse and worse by the hour, and to also avoid having to meet any of this friends on a first date, esp while I was feeling like crap.  Initially, he really pulled out all the stops.  Made me fresh tea.  Soup.  All the get-better-soon fixins’ – and all while he is preparing this feast for his friends.  A gentleman and he can cook?  I was impressed.  

Fast-forward a couple of hours and some meds and tea (I brought the meds, I think it was Dayquil) he is taking a break as food simmers and sits by me and we are chatting.  He goes in to kiss me.  Initially, I use the excuse of “I’m sick” again.  He responds with “I don’t care”.  (Yes, the no-no list is getting longer – but in my defense, I hadn’t had a kiss quite some time, and it was yummy.)   This kiss is very soon a pretty heavy make out session.  I am a tad lightheaded (yes it was good but not that good, remember I was sick), so I sort of pull away to catch my breath.  He gets up from his seat next to me, and walks away while complimenting me on my lips and kissing ability.  I use his getting up, as my queue to politely exit – its gone WAY further than any first date I’d prefer. 

I don’t know where he went however, but we are talking through the walls.  I tell him I am feeling pretty badly, I think I am going to leave. 

He returns to the living room with his pants off.  Underwear off.  Dick hard and out.  “You sure you want to leave all this??”

WHAT?!! WHO SAYS THAT??

I felt like I’d def contributed to the confusion, so I didn’t go off (although that was so MANY things), and I just said “Yeah No.  I’m good.  I’m def not going there.”  So he says, “OK lets just masturbate together.” 

Man, if you could have been in my head at that moment.  

It ended pretty well for him.  As soon as he’d said it, he literally started jacking off.  After I realized I was not hallucinating, I began collecting my things.  He was still going.  By the time I hit the door, he was done. 

WHO DOES THAT??

And yes, I cut that fool off.  This is not a porn movie dumb ass.”  

This is so HILARIOUS! I’m with you my friend, WHO DOES THAT?! There were quite a few first date crimes committed here. She should NOT have gone to his house. This is not a good move on the first date or even for the first few dates. If you go to a guy’s house on the first date he is probably thinking there is a pretty good chance that he may end up pouncing that night.  I didn’t really touch on kissing but if you do, it should at least happen at the end of the date.   Making out a little bit on the couch is still no excuse for him coming out of the room porno style on you.  I guess I’m not too mad at the dude. Sometimes you just have to take a shot and I must say this fool shot from half court on this one.  Fuckin idiot.

He is our last victim but honestly she should take the blame for this one.

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“I had to let you know about the worst first date EVER! I met this guy through a mutual friend. He was really handsome and seemed really cool. He asked me out to the movies and I was all for it. I will never forget this night! This idiot showed up at my door for our first date totally drunk. When I opened the door he could barely stand straight and was slurring. I should have shut it down right then and there, but for some reason I agreed to go to the movies with this fool and five minutes into the movie he was knocked out, snoring and everything. Needless to say that was our first and LAST date.”

This is really really bad. This one is full of first date NO NOs. I have to blame her for this one.  Why why why did she accept to go to the movies?! That was going to be a bad date even if he was sober.  Then he arrives at her home completely sauced! Why did she continue with this date after seeing him in that condition?  Should of just closed the door in his face and turned on a good movie.  We already know he ain’t shit but I must say I’m pretty disappointed in her.  Hope you have learned your lesson and always refer back to the guidelines.

When Giving The Good D is a MUST!

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Ric Flair

The reality is sometimes we are just trying to get a nut!  Wearing that championship belt* just is not on our agenda every night.  On those “very rare” occurrences (I PUTS IN WORK most of the time) we really don’t give two shits what y’all think of us. We are probably just trying to go to sleep anyway so give us a damn break.  There does come a time when you have to jump in that phone booth, come out with that S on your chest, and give that woman the good D.

If this is someone you are dating and it’s your first time being intimate with her then of course it’s championship belt time. You better stand over it like Ric Flair!  The other time it’s an absolute MUST is when she knows all your people.  You don’t want it going around town your pound game is trash. You want your name hitting the streets like you are giving that Zane Sex Chronicles PEEN.

STORY TIME!!!

A few years ago my older cousin was having a party and I was introduced to her friend who just happened to have one of the biggest asses EVER.  I’m talkin video vixen country cakers! Anyway, I was not really interested but she was on me tough.  I really just wanted to go home and sleep but that damn peer pressure and those damn older cousins of mine (still influencing my life 15 years later).  I’m trying to ignore the girl’s advances but one cousin after another is getting in my ear telling me I need to take that down.  I then thought to myself, “Hey Joe, maybe you can get some heady out of this chick because it has definitely been a minute.”  Sooo 5 minutes after that thought she is following me back to the crib.

My agenda: some head and a quick nut so she could take her ass home.  She was ready to get straight to business but I stopped her, “I’m gonna need some head before we get to it.”  This broad had the audacity to tell me not only does she not give head but she has never given head!  I wanted to drop kick her in her esophagus, not because I wanted head that bad, but because I knew she was fucking lying! I didn’t really wanna have sex with her so I called her bluff and told her if I didn’t get any head then it wasn’t going down.  Of course she gave in (lying slutball), and I must say it was some of the best head ever.  Now it was time to get it in and I wanted to get this over QUICK.  That is when it hit me that my cousins were going to hear all about this.  Change of plans! Time to put on that Cape and the Championship Belt. Had to give her that GOOD D!  Folks I tore that ass up. I was actually too good and it bit me on the ass. This occurred around 4am and she was already giving my cousin a report by 8am.  This chick made me sound like a porn star which is cool with me, but then she started talking about she might end up becoming the Mrs! Ummm get yo crazy ass out of here. But it had to be done. The fam needed to know little cousin was beastin and they better not forget it. My rep was intact! It actually took a minute to shake her crazy ass. Sheesh that was scary. The gift and the curse of the GOOD D folks.