Tag Archives: girlfriend

Let Them Go!

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First I want to apologize for the long hiatus. By the look of things my wisdom has been needed. I see so many of y’all making stupid ass dating mistakes. You could have just gone to my archives to get a lesson or two. Get it together people! Well I’m back and I promise to be more consistent. You’re welcome.

I am not gonna lie to you folks, I don’t think I have ever been in love. I have loved in a caring type of way but never the romantic love. And I am still not even sure what that is. Most of you don’t know what it is either (infatuated fuckers). Anyway, a few of my ex girlfriends (actually 2) have meant a lot to me. This means I actually give a fuck about their lives. Like if they are stuck somewhere in my convenient radius then I will come scoop em up with no problem. I’ll even accept their collect calls if they get locked up (hopefully someone smuggles them a cell phone so we can text because I hate talking on the phone). But most importantly I would never play with their emotions. So having sex with them is not an option for me. While I can just view the sex as only an orgasm, they may look deeper into it and see potentially rekindling a relationship. Even if she says she only wants sex, DO NOT DO IT! Unless you think the sex is worth losing someone you care about or them hating your guts, PLEASE let them go.

Maturity comes with experience. I sound like I have it all figured out now but years ago it was all about the poon. I didn’t give a damn about anyone’s feelings, I wanted them cakes! I have definitely told a woman I loved her to get some ass. I am NOT proud of this at all. That one I actually truly regret. The woman forgave me people so please stop your judging IMMEDIATELY. Another regret was using an ex that meant so much to me for sex. We had been broken up for a couple months and I had no intention of giving up my newly acquired freedom anytime soon. BUT I still wanted that ass. I knew she still loved me and I used that. I took advantage of her. One day she finally realized my only objective was my own selfish satisfaction and I became dirt to her. She could not understand how a man that once meant everything to her could completely disregard her feelings and emotions for a fucking nut. She was hurt, disappointed, and hated me. I felt like shit. It took a few years but we eventually became good friends again. I’ve made sure I never did that to another woman that I truly cared about.

It is not easy. We are men and we are driven by the vag. I had a buddy that was dating this young lady for a while. She wanted a relationship while he was fine with just sex and occasionally hanging out. The problem was they were friends and he really did care about her. My boy just wasn’t ready for commitment at the time. He was not willing to give her what she wanted so he needed to shut it down and stop wasting her time. He had a hard time doing this. He was comfortable with her, the sex was great, and like I said, he really did like her. Now he did tell her he wasn’t ready for a committed relationship, BUT he knew she had a weakness for him. She was in a stage of hope. While in that stage he could throw a rock at her and she’ll get excited. She is looking for any sign to hold on to that hope. I told him if he cared about her he must let her go, completely. He eventually let her go but there was a lot of damage done.

So basically don’t be a selfish asshole to people that you love. Go masturbate or get you a fuck buddy (check out ‘fuck buddy rules’ in the archives). That orgasm is not worth hurting someone you care about, believe me. If she is constantly throwing it at you, this is not the time to get your Jerry Rice on. Fellas, think Neo in the Matrix and dodge all that. Loyal and dependable individuals are hard to come by, so cherish them. On another note, I’m back in this thang heaux! So leave comments and share. If you have topics you want me to touch on leave those in the comments as well.

You Are Now Appreciated

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At one time I completely sucked in relationships.  I wasn’t a cheater or anything like that but I was just a lazy fucker.  I was the guy that did whatever he had to do to get the girl.  The dates to get the girl were GREAT.  Flowers, picnics, and basically just all kinda effort was put into the young lady.  Once I got her I became the equivalent of Doug from ‘King of Queens’ (one of the greatest shows EVER).  Seriously, all I wanted to do is eat, fuck, and watch tv (ok, that sounds pretty great…the LIFE). 

I was probably at my worst in my first real relationship.  This is mainly because the girl was just so freaking dope.  She was always thinking about me. Whether she was at a restaurant or Target, she was probably gonna bring me back something.  The girl would make me a Target care package full of of toiletries! I mean she would buy me shit that I would have NEVER bought for myself (never am i buying name brand deodorant or lotion).  I got two jobs because of my relationship with her, and here I was bringing nothing but hunger and horniness to the table.  I did not appreciate her at all.

I learned a lot from that relationship.  Most of all I learned to show appreciation for my mate.  If this is someone you don’t really give a shit about then please don’t be a dumbass and give them a title. Just fuck them and leave them alone.  If this is someone worthy of being in a relationship with then SHOW APPRECIATION. Please do not take this person for granted.  It really does not take much to show you care.  I promise if you don’t do it there is someone willing or at least saying they are willing to do it.  You do NOT want your mate to finally open their eyes and see that you aren’t worth a damn.  Just step it up and reciprocate some of that love. 

Now don’t get me wrong I am still a pretty selfish dude but I am forever improving.  It is really all about your effort and once in awhile putting that person’s wants/needs ahead of yours (except during football season).  Simple shit like picking up her favorite dessert can go a long way.  It shows that she is on your mind even when you aren’t together.  It may sound silly to some but so many of you assholes are coming home with food just for your damn self.  Dudes like that don’t even deserve a hand job from their girl!

Another thing I want to touch on is don’t start what you can’t keep up.  Like I said earlier, I was going above and beyond to get the girl and once I got her everything stopped.  That is false advertising.  I can actually make a whole blog about False Advertising and you know what, that’s what I’m gonna do. 

You’re Welcome!

 

F*** Buddy Rules

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In my last post I shared one of my fuck buddy experiences and I kept bringing up rules. Some of you may be wondering what those rules are or why there are rules in the first place.  Having a fuck buddy can get complicated without rules.  These rules keep the participating parties in check.  You do not want to confuse a fuck buddy with any other type of romantic relationship. This will lead to someone being hurt.  To further understand, here are the rules:

NO AFFECTIONATE TOUCHING

– I don’t even kiss my fuck buddies but that may be extreme to some. For all, there is no cuddling and hugging, no holding hands, and no resting heads on shoulders. If you need all that then go get a boyfriend or girlfriend. Affectionate crap like this will lead to emotions. 

NO EMOTIONS/NEVER GET ATTACHED

– This probably should have been number one, but there should be absolutely no emotions involved.  This agreement is purely physical satisfaction. You are here for an orgasm folks, that’s it.  Do NOT care about them.  If you have feelings for the person don’t even try to become fuck buddies.  If you are growing feelings then this agreement has been voided.  This is going to be a problem for many of you ladies and some of you guys.  Proceed with caution if you are known for catching feelings.  Actually, just don’t do it at all.

IT’S AT EACH OTHER’S CONVENIENCE 

– You cannot get mad if the other person isn’t free or if they have to cancel plans.  This is NOT a relationship and you two are not dating. Setting aside time for you is not a requirement and there is no need to ever give an explanation. Leave all that complaining for whoever is unlucky enough to date you.  

MINIMUM CONVERSATIONS

– What is there to talk about??? Nothing but what new position you might want to try. They are not your counselor so don’t talk about life with them, and please don’t bring up who else you are dating.  NO ONE CARES. GET NAKED. Seriously, the less you talk, the less likely you are to catch feelings. One more thing about convos, NEVER EVER say I miss you. That phrase equates to you no longer wanting to just be fuck buddies.

NO MEETING FRIENDS/FAMILY

– If you see me out and about please act like you don’t know me. If I’m with my friends or fam there will be no introductions. Just keep it pushing and text me around midnight. There is no reason at all for you to meet them and there is definitely no reason for them to know who you are.  

NO SPENDING THE NIGHT

– Get your ass up and go home! I don’t care how tired you are. When you are finished doing the do, you must leave. There is no waking up to breakfast and watching morning cartoons together. No sir/ma’am, put on your clothes and kick rocks.

NO DATES 

– We don’t need to be seen out in public together. This situation is for sex, so go catch a movie or get a drink with someone else.  Now when you get a little tipsy send me that text and see if I’m free for a session. 

NO POP UP VISITS

– There is absolutely no reason to ever pop up at the other person’s house. You are never just in the neighborhood and if you really happen to be in that neighborhood then LEAVE.  If you come close to doing this then this is a situation you are surely not cut out for.

USE PROTECTION

– Stay strapped folks. Protection is a must. You don’t know what they having going on. You two don’t talk much. All you do is have sex occasionally.  With that in mind, ALWAYS use protection.  And who wants to impregnate a fuck buddy?! That would be tragic. 

BE A FREAK

– Being a freak is relative. So all this means is be freaky enough to satisfy your fuck buddy or what’s the point of having one. Try things out on each other. Think of this as really great practice getting you ready for your future mate.  You are going to be THE SHIT when you finally get one. 

NO LYING

– Keep it honest at all times.  There is no reason to ever lie.  Remember there aren’t any emotions or feelings involved so there is no reason to spare the other party’s feelings.  Lying is completely unnecessary.  

LIMIT SOCIAL MEDIA CONTACT

– Please don’t like every single picture or comment on every post on the various social media sites.  Some outside party is going to start assuming something and you want to keep your business between just the two of you.  To avoid any questioning it might be smart to completely stay away from each other on those sites.  So that means no following and no friend requests.  

NO LEAVING CRAP BEHIND

– Grab all your clothes and trinkets.  No one needs to know you were once at my residence.  If you are doing this on purpose then please jump in a real relationship and go ruin that person’s life you loser.  

NO PET NAMES 

– I’m not your baby, boo, or sweetheart. This is a NO NO. If these names are uttered I’m going to need you to grab your shit and run! This agreement has officially taken a wrong turn so get out as fast as you can.

NO GIFTS 

– There is never an occasion where you two are going to be celebrating something together so there should never be any gifts given or received.  Oh, Valentines Day is coming up? So what! This is not who you should be celebrating that day with. If this person even pops up in your head during Valentines Day or any holiday where gifts are exchanged then you need to move on.  

KNOW WHO YOU ARE

– This is the most important rule.  You must know if this is something that you can handle.  This is not for everybody.  Some people cannot detach their emotions from a sexual relationship.  If this is you then don’t even chance it.  If you are not being honest with yourself then you for damn sure aren’t going to be honest with your future fuck buddy or should I call them future running for their life ex fuck buddy. That is going to be a complete FAIL.  

Take heed to these rules and there is no harm in referring back to them later if you have forgotten a couple. Always remember to proceed with caution. Good luck folks.

Squares Need Not Apply!

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I have only been in a handful of relationships and only one has lasted longer than six months.  Most have been ok but this one really SUCKED.  I always look back at that one and ask myself, WHY? The only positives from that relationship were she lived really close to my college, the pizza spot next door was THEE SHIT, and she had the NFL Network and football season was just starting.  This is sounding really bad but eff it.  The chick was just ok looking, she could not cook, her personality was shitty, neither my mom nor my friends liked her, and the sex was WACK!

That was actually the biggest issue for me. It was so damn boring. I really really love sex so you know it is bad when I’m turning it down.  Even worse, she was having the time of her life. As far as she was concerned the sex was amazing.  I’m adventurous. Let’s do it here, there, and everywhere (I have some stories to tell!). But this woman would not let me touch her outside of the bedroom.  When I say outside of the bedroom, I mean not even on the couch in the living room!  I remember heading back home from San Diego with her and I tried to get my pinky stinky.  This chick looked at me like I was crazy and said someone might see us. WHO CARES?! Those people don’t know us, they will never see us again, and we are driving 75 mph! I really disliked her.  Her life is just stupid.

A square chick will either be a single one or one that gets cheated on.  I didn’t actually cheat on her, but it was on my mind ALL THE TIME. The first and only woman I have ever wanted to cheat on.  I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to break if off ASAP. Anyway, I met a young lady pretty much the same day I broke up with the ex. She was only in town for a week, but in that week she did EVERYTHING I wanted that ex-girlfriend to do. I’m talking sex on the beach BEFORE sunset, head in the parking lot, and yes my pinky got plenty stinky while rolling around the city.

I do not care if you are the finest woman in the world, you cannot be too fine to get nasty for your dude.  That pretty shit means nothing after a while.  Don’t be surprised when your dude is hanging out with that wildebeest because she got that FIYAH that you were lacking. Now I’m not saying you need to be a porn star, but don’t be a damn square.  Attack us once in awhile. Give us some ‘just because’ head. Hey I’m watching TV, and then POW my chick throws my Johnson in her mouth.  That’s the kind of stuff I’m talking about. This doesn’t cost any money and I promise your dude will appreciate the hell out of you.  Step out of that square ass box, watch some porn, and take some notes.

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Where It All Began

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ImageThe girl, it is all about the girl. And not just that one girl, we want them all. Since day one we were told that’s what it’s about. We were told this by our brothers, cousins, friends, and even our fathers.  I was barely 10 years old when my older cousins were asking me, “Joey, you get you some pussy yet?”  When I felt that question was coming, my stomach started cramping up with anxiety and embarrassment.  I remember wanting to run away every time it was asked.  I was only fucking 10!!! Hell no I hadn’t tapped any ass yet.  In the beginning, I was ok with saying, no.  But when I turned 12 it was no longer ok to be a virgin. Oh boy was this some pressure.  I always knew when that damn question was coming.  At 12 I just went ahead and started lying. I learned early that you must have those lies straight because you are going to have to tell at least five more. You are also going to have to come up with some names and a legitimate reason why you can’t call that girl to confirm that you got them cakes. My lies SUCKED but I did what a real man does and I stuck to them! My cousins knew I was lying my ass off. But I kept those lies coming. I would like to apologize to Tanisha, Aja, Danielle, and Ebony because I had sex with all y’all in the 8th grade according to the stories I told my big cousins.

My cousins were so hard on me that when the questions came from my peers, lying was a piece of cake. I would say things like; “Hell yeah I’m fuckin. My girl goes to Palisades and the other one goes to Hamilton.” You always had to pick a school that was just far enough away from your school so that no one you told this lie to had any connections at these schools. And if they did know someone there, you better be ready for some follow up lies.  All I knew at this time was that being a man meant fucking the most girls, period.  It was all about getting the cat. This pursuit ran my life! This is all my boys and I ever talked about. Some of them were getting it, but my best friend Kevin and I surely were not. We couldn’t get a break! The girls were letting us do everything but STICK THE TIP IN! I still remember my fingers cramping up hoping that this would eventually lead to me officially dropping my membership in the “dry dick gang”.

This chase was real. The thing that really sucked was we were actually pretty popular. Well Kevin was way more popular than me. But since I was his best friend I was destined to get some sidekick ass, right?  And BOOM that is exactly what happened.  We were 18 (yes, I did not lose my virginity until I was 18 so eat a fat one) and by this time Kevin had already knocked down a couple girls.  I, on the other hand, used my other hand.  I can’t tell you how tired I was of lying about not being a virgin?! Anyway, one of the girls Kevin was dating had that trusty ol’ sidekick.  He was house-sitting for his god mother and he got his chick and her sidekick to come through and stay the night with us. Little miss fast ass, hot in the pants (double standards are here to stay so deal with it) didn’t know me at all but as long as I was cute she was down.  Kevin and I knew my time had come! I finally got my first piece of tang! Wooohooo! I felt so free. The details of the actual night are for another entry. Just know I was super wack, it was over in seconds, and it was the start of the lame dick excuses. Now this didn’t really get the ball rolling too much. I wasn’t knocking them down left and right. I was getting some every few months, which is crazy because I’d lose it if I went longer than a couple weeks without some now. Now that I had finally experienced what I had been lying about for years, the chase was truly on. I may have only been getting some every few months, but damn I was putting in some crazy effort to get the girl or girls. That’s what being a man is all about, right?

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