For about the last 3 or 4 years this woman and I had an “arrangement”.  In this “arrangement” we did what most folks like to call FUCKING.  From day one all I did was tear that ass up.  There was no beating around the bush.  We just got to it.  One time I was bullshitting and she said in an annoyed voice, “Can we fuck now?”  Yes, I must say she was the perfect ‘Fuck Buddy’.  She was the definition of that shit.  This woman never asked about my relationship status…because it wasn’t about that. She never wanted to spend the night or even hang out after our sessions…because it wasn’t about that. She never asked to go on a date…because it wasn’t about that. Her only concern was when I was going to be available to beat the cakes.  When we were done, she threw on her clothes, maybe said goodbye and shook the spot. If she saw me in public with another woman, she would not even acknowledge it. No emotions, no reason to lie about anything, no strings, just pure fucking.  She was such a G about everything!

Now we did not link up all the time.  Sometimes we would go months without seeing each other.  I don’t know about her but if I was dating someone serious she wouldn’t even get a response from me.  Anytime there was a break up or I was going through a slump I went ahead and sent that text.  The text would read “I need that”, and once availability was worked out we were set.  It was such a beautiful situation and it worked well for both of us.  There were no emotions, no questions, and no worries.  I don’t even remember us ever kissing, and there for damn sure wasn’t any cuddling. We knew what our purpose was for each other.  When there was an itch it was scratched.  

So for 3 or 4 years this is how we got down.  We had some really good times. Our sexual chemistry was on point! But as we know all good things must come to an end.  I really don’t believe in that saying but I knew this shit had to eventually stop.  If it was up to her I don’t think it would have ever ended.  She was once married and didn’t ever want to go that route again.  So as long as she got her fix once in awhile she was good.  I, on the other hand, assumed that it would end because I would find the beautiful woman that I wanted to marry. WRONG! The damn woman broke the fuck buddy rules!  The day after our last session I received about 3 text messages from her.  After years of doing things a certain way she now wanted more.  In those text messages she let me know that she needed to be hugged, kissed, and cuddled.  Was that asking too much? YES INDEED.  Next she might want me to start taking her out on dates, and that was NOT gonna happen.  That is not in the fuck buddy handbook and I never talked to her again.  Thee END.

Stay tuned for the next post, “Fuck Buddy Guidelines”. 

I know it was a long week but we made it people! It is now time to enjoy our weekend. So grab your mate or date and go hit these streets.  You might wanna keep it simple but I’m all for stepping out of the box and trying something new. This week just like every week I am providing plenty of options.  If your weekend sucks then blame yourself because Joe Dates has been handing out these assists every Friday like Magic Johnson.  Now I post the different events on here but you can always use some creativity and come up with a great date.  If there is a museum on here, why not have a picnic at the museum.  Make sure you have your picnic kit on deck.  Bring some wine. Yeah drinking in public is illegal, so hide it well (like me) or pour the wine in a different container. Don’t forget your corkscrew! 

For those foodies out there that love to eat and try different types of food, please go check out this blog http://losangelelust.blogspot.com/2013/08/best-dishes-in-la.html. I promise after looking on that blog for 30 seconds you will be ready to stuff your face.  I just came up with a date idea based on the food I just saw from that blog!  Here it is, say you and your date love tacos, try a bunch of different taco spots to see who is number 1 in the city. That sounds like the perfect date to me! YOU’RE WELCOME! And here is what’s going on this weekend.

Friday, August 23, 2013

Depressed Cake Shop                                                                          Date: Friday, August 23, 2013                                                                                         Time: 7:00pm                                                                                                                       Event Website: www.depressedcakeshop.com                                                            What started unsurprisingly as a British phenomenon, the Depressed Cake Shop is a pop-up bakery that sells gray-colored baked goods in order to raise awareness about mental health. Though the cakes have bleak exteriors—representing the silent suffering of those with mental illness—the doughy centers display a pop of color to symbolize hope.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

Poncho Sanchez                                                                        Date: Friday, August 23, 2013                                                                                Time: 8:00 PM                                                                                                          Venue: Vitello’s Jazz & Supper Club, Studio City, CA Website: http://www.lajazz.com/popup.cfm?task=descr                                     Enjoy the “LIVE” musical experience in an intimate setting in “LA’s best listening room.” See and hear Grammy Award Winning and world class recording artists specializing in all types of jazz, latin, blues and fusion music. Enjoy Italian comfort food… more

Farmers Market Friday Night Music                                                                  Date: Friday, August 23, 2013                                                                                        Time:  7:00 pm                                                                                                       Venue: Farmers Market at The Grove Website: http://www.farmersmarketla.com/                                                                       

Like I’ve stated before and will state over and over again, I am a beast in the sack…most of the time.  During those times where I am not so beastly it really hurts my pride. For this reason, I and other men, come up with “Lame Dick Excuses”.  In one of my earlier posts I talked about how horrible I was my first time beating cakes (I should just say having sex because there was not much beating going on).  I was so quick! I think I was about 3 strokes in and it was night, night.  Knowing this was not ok and being very quick on my feet, I came up with this, “Oh shit, the condom busted”. I snatched that condom off so quick and tossed it somewhere to never be found again (until I stepped on it the next morning).  I did not plan that out or even discuss with anyone what I might say if I was a quick shooter, all impromptu baby!  Folks it worked.  We grabbed another condom and got back to business.  I still sucked but that is beyond the point. 

Now of course that excuse is not going to work in every situation.  Let’s be real, many of us are not strapping up anyway so you gotta come up with something different.  And what about those times where you can’t get it up? What are you going to say then???

For the quick shooter who is not strapped, there are a few ways you can justify your lameness.  First, blame it on her! Tell her she felt fucking amazing and there was no controlling it.  Seriously, make her feel like that thang was FIYAH!  She may still think you’re wack but she will probably let you go for round 2.  Second, just say it’s been a minute since you have had some tang.  Last time you had sex may have actually been this morning but LIE.  Hey, you can even tell her you were practicing abstinence for months.  You’re still lame as hell but if she likes you she’ll be ok with this excuse unless this becomes routine.

Now for the guy pushing rope, this is a bit more difficult.  It happens to the best of us but dammit having the paralyzed peen really sucks and kills off all swag.  None and I mean NONE of these excuses really work but we try them.  The only one that kinda sorta works is if you are wearing a condom. That’s when you have to blame it on the condom. Sometimes it is really true. The condom is really killing off your wood.  Yo condoms effing suck but until there is something better, I will stay forever strapped and you should too.

I’m starting to think these excuses just make us feel better because I’m pretty sure 99% of females are not trying to hear them at all. I actually think I am getting to the point where I just don’t give a fuck. Of course I wanna bring the thunder and lightning every time but I have shit to do (work on this blog, workout, eat, watch reruns of The Wire, etc.).  This way of thinking comes with age young pups. Don’t let these women stress you out!

Get up, get out, and do something this weekend. Don’t go on that same date that you have been on a million times. No dinner and a movie this weekend folks. Get creative and go do something fun or interesting. We have a month of summer left so take advantage of this weather.  Do not allow your dates or relationships to get stale. You see the pic, I’m trying to hop on a jet ski this weekend.  Here are some ideas for the weekend for those living in the Los Angeles area. There is no excuse to have the same old routine. You’re welcome!

Friday Aug. 9, 2013:

Brew at the LA Zoo

http://lazoo.org/calendar/

L.A.’s Barnsdall Art Park hosts Friday Night Wine tastings with gourmet food trucks

http://www.barnsdall.org/events/friday-night-wine-tastings

URS FISCHER (Exhibit) at MOCA

http://www.moca.org/museum/exhibitiondetail.php?&id=476

Bobby Bradford MO’TET (Jazz Artist) at LACMA

http://www.lacma.org/event/bobby-bradford

Los Angeles Dodgers vs. Tampa Bay Rays at Dodger Stadium

http://www.stubhub.com/los-angeles-dodgers-tickets/dodgers-vs-rays-8-9-2013-4172419/

NoHo Dine Out Friday Nights

http://www.nohofoodtruckfest.com/

West Side Story- Aero Theatre

http://www.americancinemathequecalendar.com/content/west-side-story-3

Saturday, August 10, 2013:

Eat See Hear- Food, Movie, Music

http://eatseehear.com/

Cinespia at Hollywood Forever Cemetery

http://www.cinespia.org/

DJ Quik at The Canyon

http://www.livenation.com/events/266696/aug-10-2013/dj-quik

CHUCHITO VALDES AFRO-CUBAN ENSEMBLE at LACMA

http://www.lacma.org/event/chuchito-vald%C3%A9s 

Pomona Art Walk in Downtown Pomona

http://www.downtownpomona.org/events-calendar/art-walk/

Long Beach 2nd Saturday Art Walk in Downtown Long Beach

http://www.artwalklb.com/

Los Angeles Dodgers vs. Tampa Bay Rays at Dodger Stadium

http://www.stubhub.com/los-angeles-dodgers-tickets/dodgers-vs-rays-8-10-2013-4172420/

Summer Festival at Hollywood Park

http://hollywoodparkmarket.com/

Nisei Week in Little Tokyo

www.niseiweek.org

Perseid Meteor Shower

http://earthsky.org/astronomy-essentials/earthskys-meteor-shower-guide

Forty-Seventh Watts Summer Festival

http://events.la.com/los_angeles_ca/events/show/339081083-forty-seventh-watts-summer-festival

Summer Star Festival at Paramount Ranch

http://www.nps.gov/samo/parknews/summer-star-festival-august-10.htm

Sunday, August 11, 2013:

Ecuadorian Festival and Parade

http://ethnicevents.com/?p=33563

Los Angeles Conservancy Tour

http://lac.laconservancy.org

Chris Johanson: Within The River of Time Is My Mind at MOCA

http://www.voiceplaces.com/los-angeles/chris-johanson-within-the-river-of-time-is-my-mind-2108003-e

LA Weekly Pancake Breakfast

http://microapp.laweekly.com/pancakebreakfast/