Like I’ve stated before and will state over and over again, I am a beast in the sack…most of the time.  During those times where I am not so beastly it really hurts my pride. For this reason, I and other men, come up with “Lame Dick Excuses”.  In one of my earlier posts I talked about how horrible I was my first time beating cakes (I should just say having sex because there was not much beating going on).  I was so quick! I think I was about 3 strokes in and it was night, night.  Knowing this was not ok and being very quick on my feet, I came up with this, “Oh shit, the condom busted”. I snatched that condom off so quick and tossed it somewhere to never be found again (until I stepped on it the next morning).  I did not plan that out or even discuss with anyone what I might say if I was a quick shooter, all impromptu baby!  Folks it worked.  We grabbed another condom and got back to business.  I still sucked but that is beyond the point. 

Now of course that excuse is not going to work in every situation.  Let’s be real, many of us are not strapping up anyway so you gotta come up with something different.  And what about those times where you can’t get it up? What are you going to say then???

For the quick shooter who is not strapped, there are a few ways you can justify your lameness.  First, blame it on her! Tell her she felt fucking amazing and there was no controlling it.  Seriously, make her feel like that thang was FIYAH!  She may still think you’re wack but she will probably let you go for round 2.  Second, just say it’s been a minute since you have had some tang.  Last time you had sex may have actually been this morning but LIE.  Hey, you can even tell her you were practicing abstinence for months.  You’re still lame as hell but if she likes you she’ll be ok with this excuse unless this becomes routine.

Now for the guy pushing rope, this is a bit more difficult.  It happens to the best of us but dammit having the paralyzed peen really sucks and kills off all swag.  None and I mean NONE of these excuses really work but we try them.  The only one that kinda sorta works is if you are wearing a condom. That’s when you have to blame it on the condom. Sometimes it is really true. The condom is really killing off your wood.  Yo condoms effing suck but until there is something better, I will stay forever strapped and you should too.

I’m starting to think these excuses just make us feel better because I’m pretty sure 99% of females are not trying to hear them at all. I actually think I am getting to the point where I just don’t give a fuck. Of course I wanna bring the thunder and lightning every time but I have shit to do (work on this blog, workout, eat, watch reruns of The Wire, etc.).  This way of thinking comes with age young pups. Don’t let these women stress you out!