Author Archives: joedates

First Date Guidelines- The Dos and Do NOTS

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I actually really enjoy first dates. Maybe it’s just because I’m a people person and I like to socialize.  It could also be that first dates are a challenge and I appreciate a good one. The challenge with first dates (from a guy’s perspective) is to break down her wall and get this young lady to feel comfortable with me.  I want her to enjoy my company and start opening up.  I am not expecting her to reveal too much but opening up a tad will help us get to know each other.Hopefully, that will lead to some good convo and a really good date.  It is very rare that I have a bad first date, primarily, due to the fact that I follow these First Date Guidelines:

BE ON TIME

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These should not be spontaneous plans.  You should know where and when this date is going to take place days ahead so you should not be late.  I live in LA so I understand things do happen and traffic can be unpredictable at times.  When you think you may be tardy, give a call to that person and let them know.  Don’t be a douche and leave them hanging, wondering if you forgot about the date.

GUYS: PICK HER UP UNLESS SHE WANTS TO MEET THERE

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REALLY??? You really just asked this woman if she could come swoop you up for the first date?! If the date even happens it is because she is probably bored out of her mind and hasn’t been on a date in months.  This is just a bad move. Ladies, this is the first date so you should probably meet him there.  (He might have some stalker in him.)

NO MOVIES!

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Be creative. Google some shit. But NEVER and I mean NEVER go to the movies for a first date.  I’m talking to the fellas right here because YOU should be making the first date plans.  Going to the movies is just stupid.  You can’t talk in the movies. You are just sitting there in silence. Smart move buddy. You really got to know her well!

NO TEXTING

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Show some respect for your date and keep your phone in your pocket/purse. A couple hours without your phone will not kill you.  Cancel the damn date if you need to be on your phone that bad. If your date cannot stay off their phone then you have the right to end the date immediately.  I would love for you to just walk off without saying a word. That would be dope! Show them the same respect they are showing you, which is none.

SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR EXES

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YO! Chill on the ex talk.  Nobody wants to hear about your ex. I have even made this mistake but it is clear to me now that this is a no no.  Seriously, no one wants to hear how in love you were with him or her or how crazy he or she was.  You think I want to take a chance dating you after hearing how crazy that ex was?! No thank you. I am not trying to get stalked!

HAVE SOME MANNERS AND CLASS

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I hope by now you know how to eat properly. Chewing with your mouth open is not ok and do NOT eat like you are in a competition. You are not a 5 year old child.  If you get your food first, please wait until your date gets theirs before you start going in.  Remember, servers are in control of the food that you are about to consume, so please don’t be a dickhead to them.  Now you and your date have to worry about saliva being in your food because YOU don’t know how to talk to people. You’re a winner.  I’ll throw this in there as well: DO NOT GET DRUNK! Know your limits. You might want to just keep it at a two drink max folks.

DUTCH???

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Bro, pick up the check! I promise you will not be getting a second date if she is paying for her meal. You certainly don’t deserve one with your dumb ass.  And leave a tip! Women have some damn standards. There is no way in hell you should be splitting the bill on the first date.

HANDS TO YOURSELF

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It is the first date so stop trying to get all touchy feely.  Your aggression is making her uncomfortable and she is thinking about pulling out the pepper spray.  You think what you’re doing is getting you closer to taking her down but it’s not.  While you have that creepy smile on your face, she is really considering making a run for it. Ladies, if you are the one being aggressive then you are probably gonna end up a booty call. Thanks for the vagina.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!

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I know this is the first date and you want to get to know the person but this is not a job interview.  All these back to back questions are unnecessary.  Let the conversation flow. Don’t talk too much, but don’t be boring. If your date is not helping at all with their one word answers then this is going to be a long night.  You may want to find a way to end the night early because they probably suck. And not in a good way.

HOW MANY TIMES ARE YOU GOING TO SAY SHE’S HOT?

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Too many compliments get annoying because after a while they just don’t seem genuine.  It is not even normal to compliment someone that much, you cornball. You said it once and that is plenty. Chillax, buddy!

BE YOU!

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Lastly, be yourself.  Do not put up a front on the first date because you will not be able keep it up for long. It is really not fair to that other person because they are getting to know someone who will not even be around.  The real you will eventually show up and they are going to be very confused.  Your first date should not be at Crustaceans if you are on a Sizzler’s budget. There are plenty of nice restaurants in your price range, just do a little research. I mean what good is being fake doing you anyway? You’re making your job harder than it has to be. Don’t waste your time or theirs. Figure out earlier if you guys are really compatible. If not, better to weed someone out earlier than later.

Where It All Began

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ImageThe girl, it is all about the girl. And not just that one girl, we want them all. Since day one we were told that’s what it’s about. We were told this by our brothers, cousins, friends, and even our fathers.  I was barely 10 years old when my older cousins were asking me, “Joey, you get you some pussy yet?”  When I felt that question was coming, my stomach started cramping up with anxiety and embarrassment.  I remember wanting to run away every time it was asked.  I was only fucking 10!!! Hell no I hadn’t tapped any ass yet.  In the beginning, I was ok with saying, no.  But when I turned 12 it was no longer ok to be a virgin. Oh boy was this some pressure.  I always knew when that damn question was coming.  At 12 I just went ahead and started lying. I learned early that you must have those lies straight because you are going to have to tell at least five more. You are also going to have to come up with some names and a legitimate reason why you can’t call that girl to confirm that you got them cakes. My lies SUCKED but I did what a real man does and I stuck to them! My cousins knew I was lying my ass off. But I kept those lies coming. I would like to apologize to Tanisha, Aja, Danielle, and Ebony because I had sex with all y’all in the 8th grade according to the stories I told my big cousins.

My cousins were so hard on me that when the questions came from my peers, lying was a piece of cake. I would say things like; “Hell yeah I’m fuckin. My girl goes to Palisades and the other one goes to Hamilton.” You always had to pick a school that was just far enough away from your school so that no one you told this lie to had any connections at these schools. And if they did know someone there, you better be ready for some follow up lies.  All I knew at this time was that being a man meant fucking the most girls, period.  It was all about getting the cat. This pursuit ran my life! This is all my boys and I ever talked about. Some of them were getting it, but my best friend Kevin and I surely were not. We couldn’t get a break! The girls were letting us do everything but STICK THE TIP IN! I still remember my fingers cramping up hoping that this would eventually lead to me officially dropping my membership in the “dry dick gang”.

This chase was real. The thing that really sucked was we were actually pretty popular. Well Kevin was way more popular than me. But since I was his best friend I was destined to get some sidekick ass, right?  And BOOM that is exactly what happened.  We were 18 (yes, I did not lose my virginity until I was 18 so eat a fat one) and by this time Kevin had already knocked down a couple girls.  I, on the other hand, used my other hand.  I can’t tell you how tired I was of lying about not being a virgin?! Anyway, one of the girls Kevin was dating had that trusty ol’ sidekick.  He was house-sitting for his god mother and he got his chick and her sidekick to come through and stay the night with us. Little miss fast ass, hot in the pants (double standards are here to stay so deal with it) didn’t know me at all but as long as I was cute she was down.  Kevin and I knew my time had come! I finally got my first piece of tang! Wooohooo! I felt so free. The details of the actual night are for another entry. Just know I was super wack, it was over in seconds, and it was the start of the lame dick excuses. Now this didn’t really get the ball rolling too much. I wasn’t knocking them down left and right. I was getting some every few months, which is crazy because I’d lose it if I went longer than a couple weeks without some now. Now that I had finally experienced what I had been lying about for years, the chase was truly on. I may have only been getting some every few months, but damn I was putting in some crazy effort to get the girl or girls. That’s what being a man is all about, right?

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When Giving The Good D is a MUST!

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Ric Flair

The reality is sometimes we are just trying to get a nut!  Wearing that championship belt* just is not on our agenda every night.  On those “very rare” occurrences (I PUTS IN WORK most of the time) we really don’t give two shits what y’all think of us. We are probably just trying to go to sleep anyway so give us a damn break.  There does come a time when you have to jump in that phone booth, come out with that S on your chest, and give that woman the good D.

If this is someone you are dating and it’s your first time being intimate with her then of course it’s championship belt time. You better stand over it like Ric Flair!  The other time it’s an absolute MUST is when she knows all your people.  You don’t want it going around town your pound game is trash. You want your name hitting the streets like you are giving that Zane Sex Chronicles PEEN.

STORY TIME!!!

A few years ago my older cousin was having a party and I was introduced to her friend who just happened to have one of the biggest asses EVER.  I’m talkin video vixen country cakers! Anyway, I was not really interested but she was on me tough.  I really just wanted to go home and sleep but that damn peer pressure and those damn older cousins of mine (still influencing my life 15 years later).  I’m trying to ignore the girl’s advances but one cousin after another is getting in my ear telling me I need to take that down.  I then thought to myself, “Hey Joe, maybe you can get some heady out of this chick because it has definitely been a minute.”  Sooo 5 minutes after that thought she is following me back to the crib.

My agenda: some head and a quick nut so she could take her ass home.  She was ready to get straight to business but I stopped her, “I’m gonna need some head before we get to it.”  This broad had the audacity to tell me not only does she not give head but she has never given head!  I wanted to drop kick her in her esophagus, not because I wanted head that bad, but because I knew she was fucking lying! I didn’t really wanna have sex with her so I called her bluff and told her if I didn’t get any head then it wasn’t going down.  Of course she gave in (lying slutball), and I must say it was some of the best head ever.  Now it was time to get it in and I wanted to get this over QUICK.  That is when it hit me that my cousins were going to hear all about this.  Change of plans! Time to put on that Cape and the Championship Belt. Had to give her that GOOD D!  Folks I tore that ass up. I was actually too good and it bit me on the ass. This occurred around 4am and she was already giving my cousin a report by 8am.  This chick made me sound like a porn star which is cool with me, but then she started talking about she might end up becoming the Mrs! Ummm get yo crazy ass out of here. But it had to be done. The fam needed to know little cousin was beastin and they better not forget it. My rep was intact! It actually took a minute to shake her crazy ass. Sheesh that was scary. The gift and the curse of the GOOD D folks.