Tag Archives: head

Squares Need Not Apply!

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I have only been in a handful of relationships and only one has lasted longer than six months.  Most have been ok but this one really SUCKED.  I always look back at that one and ask myself, WHY? The only positives from that relationship were she lived really close to my college, the pizza spot next door was THEE SHIT, and she had the NFL Network and football season was just starting.  This is sounding really bad but eff it.  The chick was just ok looking, she could not cook, her personality was shitty, neither my mom nor my friends liked her, and the sex was WACK!

That was actually the biggest issue for me. It was so damn boring. I really really love sex so you know it is bad when I’m turning it down.  Even worse, she was having the time of her life. As far as she was concerned the sex was amazing.  I’m adventurous. Let’s do it here, there, and everywhere (I have some stories to tell!). But this woman would not let me touch her outside of the bedroom.  When I say outside of the bedroom, I mean not even on the couch in the living room!  I remember heading back home from San Diego with her and I tried to get my pinky stinky.  This chick looked at me like I was crazy and said someone might see us. WHO CARES?! Those people don’t know us, they will never see us again, and we are driving 75 mph! I really disliked her.  Her life is just stupid.

A square chick will either be a single one or one that gets cheated on.  I didn’t actually cheat on her, but it was on my mind ALL THE TIME. The first and only woman I have ever wanted to cheat on.  I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to break if off ASAP. Anyway, I met a young lady pretty much the same day I broke up with the ex. She was only in town for a week, but in that week she did EVERYTHING I wanted that ex-girlfriend to do. I’m talking sex on the beach BEFORE sunset, head in the parking lot, and yes my pinky got plenty stinky while rolling around the city.

I do not care if you are the finest woman in the world, you cannot be too fine to get nasty for your dude.  That pretty shit means nothing after a while.  Don’t be surprised when your dude is hanging out with that wildebeest because she got that FIYAH that you were lacking. Now I’m not saying you need to be a porn star, but don’t be a damn square.  Attack us once in awhile. Give us some ‘just because’ head. Hey I’m watching TV, and then POW my chick throws my Johnson in her mouth.  That’s the kind of stuff I’m talking about. This doesn’t cost any money and I promise your dude will appreciate the hell out of you.  Step out of that square ass box, watch some porn, and take some notes.

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When Giving The Good D is a MUST!

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Ric Flair

The reality is sometimes we are just trying to get a nut!  Wearing that championship belt* just is not on our agenda every night.  On those “very rare” occurrences (I PUTS IN WORK most of the time) we really don’t give two shits what y’all think of us. We are probably just trying to go to sleep anyway so give us a damn break.  There does come a time when you have to jump in that phone booth, come out with that S on your chest, and give that woman the good D.

If this is someone you are dating and it’s your first time being intimate with her then of course it’s championship belt time. You better stand over it like Ric Flair!  The other time it’s an absolute MUST is when she knows all your people.  You don’t want it going around town your pound game is trash. You want your name hitting the streets like you are giving that Zane Sex Chronicles PEEN.

STORY TIME!!!

A few years ago my older cousin was having a party and I was introduced to her friend who just happened to have one of the biggest asses EVER.  I’m talkin video vixen country cakers! Anyway, I was not really interested but she was on me tough.  I really just wanted to go home and sleep but that damn peer pressure and those damn older cousins of mine (still influencing my life 15 years later).  I’m trying to ignore the girl’s advances but one cousin after another is getting in my ear telling me I need to take that down.  I then thought to myself, “Hey Joe, maybe you can get some heady out of this chick because it has definitely been a minute.”  Sooo 5 minutes after that thought she is following me back to the crib.

My agenda: some head and a quick nut so she could take her ass home.  She was ready to get straight to business but I stopped her, “I’m gonna need some head before we get to it.”  This broad had the audacity to tell me not only does she not give head but she has never given head!  I wanted to drop kick her in her esophagus, not because I wanted head that bad, but because I knew she was fucking lying! I didn’t really wanna have sex with her so I called her bluff and told her if I didn’t get any head then it wasn’t going down.  Of course she gave in (lying slutball), and I must say it was some of the best head ever.  Now it was time to get it in and I wanted to get this over QUICK.  That is when it hit me that my cousins were going to hear all about this.  Change of plans! Time to put on that Cape and the Championship Belt. Had to give her that GOOD D!  Folks I tore that ass up. I was actually too good and it bit me on the ass. This occurred around 4am and she was already giving my cousin a report by 8am.  This chick made me sound like a porn star which is cool with me, but then she started talking about she might end up becoming the Mrs! Ummm get yo crazy ass out of here. But it had to be done. The fam needed to know little cousin was beastin and they better not forget it. My rep was intact! It actually took a minute to shake her crazy ass. Sheesh that was scary. The gift and the curse of the GOOD D folks.