A great wingman deserves a statue and access to the naked pics of ALL your ex chicks. This man should be cherished because he is the reason why you are currently standing up in that bad one. By the way, if you have any pics of your side chicks, show him those as well…matter of fact, send any extra side chicks that you are tired of his way too (sharing is caring).  The “wingman” role is not suited for everyone. You have to be very unselfish. You will be putting your friend’s triumphs and good times over yours.  Seeing your buddy GET BUCKETS is a true wingman’s pleasure.  When he gives you that “it’s about to GO DOWN” look then you know you have done your job.

Now like I said, everyone can’t be a wingman. Some folks just don’t have the qualities needed to fulfill wingman duties. The list of qualifications may seem basic but a bad wingman can ruin a good “GTD” moment.

First and foremost you have to be a good friend. You have to be that friend that wants to see your pals succeed. When a friend is progressing in life you are genuinely congratulatory. You are happy about his new house and car. You are excited that he just pulled up with a bad big booty chick. You cannot be that guy saying, “He got a new house but he ain’t got no two car garage” or “His chick is straight, but that one I had back in college was killin her.” This guy would be a horrible wingman. He is selfish, jealous, and an all around wack individual. Let’s be real, there are PLENTY of these guys out there and they all deserve to wake up to Lil Kim’s face for the rest of their lives. Yeah, you guys suck. 

Next you have some guys that just don’t know how to be wingmen. Now I don’t come down hard on these guys because they just don’t know any better. I have a friend like this. He sucks at being a wingman and I had to call him out on it. He really didn’t even know it. My boy is an asshole, jerk, dick, etc. Now that could work in my favor when I need him as a wingman because he will make me look that much better, but he is a dismissive jerk that makes people wanna argue or get away from him. I’m looking at him like, “DUDE! Did you not see I was trying to pull that?!” His response is always something stupid like she was wack because she didn’t know who J Dilla was. I don’t give a FUCK about no damn J Dilla when I’m trying to GTD*! I had to tell him to tone it down and recognize when I’m trying to pull off a caper. I actually had to just start telling him when to play ball because he just wasn’t getting it. He has improved greatly. 

Finally you have the trophy carrying, crown holding, air floating Wingman. Now I consider myself  a GREAT wingman.  If you just need me to come along and keep the ugly friend company I got that. I’m talking about actually having a good time with her. Just because I don’t find her attractive doesn’t mean we can’t have good convo. Even if the ugly friend completely sucks at life I will bite the bullet and deal with it for those few hours because it’s not about me. So there is a group of girls over there and you want to get the attention of one, done deal. I’m going over there and talking some random shit so you can sneak up and pull her while her friends are distracted. This is what a wingman is about! You have to be willing to sacrifice. It’s called taking one for the team. You’re going for the win not the stats. Championships over MVPs. Tom Brady over Peyton Manning. Bill Russell over Wilt Chamberlain. Wingman equals ultimate team player. You must be willing to be seen out in public with that bugawolf if it means your boy is about to seal the deal and get balls deep in a new one.  Now earlier I talked about my boy that struggled with being a wingman because he was such a jerk.  That can actually be a very good strategy.  As a wingman sometimes you need to look like an ignorant asshole so your boy can shine.  Make a bunch of sexual comments. Tell them women should expect a cheating mate and to just deal with it.  Your friend then comes and saves the day saying he wants one wife that he can spend the rest of his life with and all that other bullshit.  Now her JUICES ARE LOOSE and he is going in for the kill.  WE WIN! You hear that? I said “WE”! True wingman style. 

You’re welcome.

*GTD= Get The Drawers (watch Martin)